Humans are governed by their emotions and their feelings. Those who are capable of dominating their actions by not getting affected by their emotions are the ones who would make wise decisions and nullify unwarranted problems. Cogitation is laudable before making any decisions or else the repercussions of not doing so will lead us to dire straits.
The enigmatic feeling was starting to brew in my heart as if gravity had sunken my heart into the Davy Jones Locker but at the same time my mind was afloat in clouds of uncertainty once again. This feeling had been hidden away from her for few months, I fear that if I confess to her about my feelings, I would lose another precious friend. However, my incapability to control the lion in the cage have led me to undesired grounds where loneliness hollowed my heart.
Choir workshop was pages off the calendar, I was filled with euphoria because she was also part of it which was the game master and organizer of the workshop. Of course its not only both of us, some of the other choir member were intervened in the organization department. We decided to come out and discuss about the activities which we were going to do in the workshop.
She did most of the talking during our meeting, I am not an outspoken person but rather in between the conservative site and extrovert site. But when I was with her, I was able to say out my thoughts smoothly without being interjected by her. That was the difference of what I felt about her compared to other people, it just felt right, a chord which sounds right.
After the meeting, we decided to go to the nearby supermarket to purchase stuffs which were needed for the workshop. We had lunch. It was a quiet one but a valuable one, just being able to have a meal with her, to enjoy her presence. Then we proceeded to buying the stuffs for the workshop.
Something bugged me deep down in my heart, “Just hand her the bracelet.”
“She would definitely reject it.” The overthinking part of me responded, “or even worse, she would resent you, abstain from your presence, keep away from you.”
“Just do it, she would receive it because she is open-minded.”
“No, just don’t…” my protective instincts kicked in, “you will just hurt yourself like how you did last time.”
I shrugged for a moment.
“It is better to do than to just sit there do nothing…” the voice deep in my heart prompted me again, “… and regret…”
“NO! DON’T! JUST DON’T!” my cognitive sense warned me and to gesture the voice deep down in my heart to stop. “Don’t be fooled by it.”
I gave it anyway.
“Ler…” My arms were trembling, “would you…” My mind was cringing, “accept… this”
I quickly put the bracelet in her hands.
“As… a token… of…” I was fumbling for words,”…ap…appreciation…?”
She blushed,” No…”
A pang of rejection hit me like a truck.
“I just…just can’t accept your gift…” She was struck by my impromptu action, “Sor…ry… Yang… I jus… just could not…”
“Ermm…” I cut her off immediately. “Wh… Why… not…” I stopped immediately. If I continue the situation will turn from bad to worse.
“Sorry for… giving you a shock…” I apologized for my rashness.
She gave me back the bracelet politely as if she did not want to let my heart down.
When I took it back, my heart sank ten-thousand feet beneath the sea. My heart was not ready to embrace the rejection and the impending feed backs on my stupidity.
The situation was very up-tight and very awkward.
“Beeeep!” her ride was here.
I dared not look at her directly. I just looked at her at the corner of my eyes, depressed on my stupidity. I stopped looking at her after a few seconds. My mind went absolute blank. The blunder hindered my senses. I lost myself at that moment.
Piece by piece I collected my heart. I came back to my senses.
The following weeks were filled with plain rejection.
She avoided me.
I felt terrible.
The aftermath was worse than I expected. It almost cost me the friendship which is established between us.
Time sutured the cut which was from my stupidity. Miraculously everything returned to normal.
I am still burying my feelings for her. Days passed, it grew stronger, I become wiser and stronger.
The past is a history, the future is a mystery but now is a gift which is why it is called the present. I learnt from the past. I quietly suppress the wrenching feeling of “it” inside me. Her presence is what I appreciate and I would not do anything stupid to spoil this moment.
If we are destined together, let time be our prove, fate be the persecutor and God be the master planner.
P.S. March 2016