Since time immemorial, humans live together in a congregation or a group to be dependent on each other to sustain the life force of our species. A diversity of species also live in groups such as fishes, elephants, zebras, lions and the list goes on. However, being in a group, we will feel left out, forgotten at times when we face problems where the panacea is found in ourselves only. We prone to have a hiatus from this hectic society to free our thoughts from the bondage of problems in life.
Why am I here waiting for something which could never happen? Why did I have to go through this? Why are they having a better time than me? Why do I feel alone? Why do I feel segregated? Why do I feel left out? Why am I here?
Did you ever ask yourself these questions before? Yes, I do.
Waiting… Tick… Tock… The hour hand had waved to me countless times in unending circles. Pages of calendar flew past me like the wind, it had been a year and a half. Some of you surmise that I might be waiting for the one who is worth waiting for. Yes, I am. But time gestured to me that this wait is otherwise. I kept myself in the state of denial, I was denying the fact that I had lost my feeling for her by counterfeiting my feelings for her.
At first, I thought it would be a short wait like a month or so to see her, but it was not. First month of waiting implied nothing to me. “Yang, we will definitely meet again.” I convinced myself for months.
A year past, she told me to meet her at the place we first met. Due to some wrenching feelings of the past, she cancelled the only chance where I could be with her, could just catch a glimpse of her.
Throughout the year, I spent unremitting efforts and time to ask her out, to contact her but nothing happened.
“Yang, a year is just a little,” I persuaded myself with this cogent statement,”nothing much compared to those people who the loved ones are soldiers who are sent to war zones where they may be sacrificed during battle.” I kept hold of this to keep myself strong.
The wait drained my heart out lock, stock and barrel, I could not afford it anymore, I feel so helpless, I feel like giving up.
The adage- lightning never strikes at the same place twice, is spurious, the wait for her, Jess, then my grandma’s demise.
Both of them meant a lot to me but one of them left a deep scar in me and one left pieces of mementos which were worth reminiscing.
After my grandma passed away, a chunk of my heart went missing, I phoned Jess for consolation but as usual she did not pick up my phone. She gave me the same lame reason- parents. What I want was very simple, its just to hear her voice, but she could not even give it to me for so long. Countless attempts to meet her or even to just hear her voice went to no avail. At that point of time, my heart just let go.
She managed to shatter my body, mind and soul the whole nine yard.
I gave up.
P.S. Jan 2016
Details are too painful to be written down. I will split them into smaller chunks and in more depth to reduce the pain inflicted upon me. Coming soon.