Our days are counted, we have limited time on Earth, time is never on our side, fear is the greatest hindrance to the genesis of an inception. However, faith, hope, patience, perseverance are the criteria for us to harness limitless endurance that acts as the catalyst to help us combat the greatest threat to humans, fear.
Two things that are really bothering me now, that buzzed around my head like a bee, are about my future and about her.
My future is unprecedented, unpredictable, unforeseen, but I overthink about it for the time being. Writer, mathematician or mechanical engineer. The conundrum is choosing between being a mathematician or a mechanical engineer. Being a mathematician is more to achieving my dream which is to create a formula to benefit mankind, being a mechanical engineer is more to garner a sufficient income for my survival, being a writer is more to a way to let my thoughts be cloaked as words. Three of these, I could only choose two, it is like choosing the basic necessities- water, oxygen and food.
Her. The fear bound me in a perpetual prison of anxiety, worrying and cowardice. Since I fell for her, she has been in my head for months. However, I had failed once, I failed to sustain a long distance relationship, even lost her as one of my dearest friends, the regret was deeply rooted in my heart. That failure was accepted by me as a curse, I dare not to start anew, I am living in the past bondage of pain, guilt, regret, failure.
About her, I just do not know anymore, I became a coward, I started to segregate myself from her, I could not abide with that feeling anymore, she deserves a better person compared to me, I am not worthy of having a friend like her, our topics vastly varied, our channels were utterly disconnected, I am at the brink of giving her up. Something deep down in my heart prompted me not to give up because losing her would mean losing a world to me. That ‘something’ told me the past her was the right one, but ended up not, told me now to not lose her.
What is wrong with me? What is going on? What…
There is another girl…
I just do not know anymore.
I am too tired to bother, too scarred to bother, too disheartened to bother.
Leave it to fate, destiny or shit like that to decide my life, I am done putting up losing battles against them.
P.S. 30 SEPT 2016
I just don’t know anymore.