Sijil Pelajaran Malaysia (SPM) is one of the most crucial examinations in a Malaysian life, most of the parents are constantly on their toes about this examination, most of the students are also keeping their heads up for this exam, some of them are pressured until death, yes, there are several suicide cases associated to SPM, just in 2015, there is one student who committed suicide, due to the higher order thinking skill (HOTS) or familiarly known as KBAT questions by fellow Malaysian students, after finishing the additional mathematics paper.
The impending exams were just on top of my head, like a meteor heading straight towards Earth, that was the feeling felt by most SPM students at this point in time, a gruesome week before the exam. I was not feeling anything. They called me overconfident, ego-maniac, and all sorts of silly names that indicate I was not nervous about the exam.
Yes, I still kept my shit together. I was too chill. A week before the exams, I did not even touch a revision book on SPM, maybe just a little. However, most of the time I was thinking about how life was going to be in the future, starting to yearn more of this school life, not wanting to face the towering monster ahead of me, life.
Spending my last moments in school chatting with my friends which would eventually turn into contact number on the phone or trails of bread crumbs to the pioneer years of my life, youth. This five years, teenage years were indeed times worth to rekindle the spring tide of young ages.
Times when I ventured into music and fell in love with it; times when my ego crept over my head; times when Maths became part of my life; times when puppy love happened, nascent stage of love; times when having a first crush, having butterflies in the stomach; times when falling in love with someone I cooperated with for a long time, but got ostracised for perhaps a lifetime as a gesture of rejection, the pain, the sadness, the brokenness was unimaginable unless you had experienced it yourself; times when friends and foes were cottoned out; times when you meet assholes; times when you meet your rival; times when the routine was just going to school and meeting with friends; times when having heaps of first times;
you just wished you could turn back time and re-live those moments.
I went for a last movie with Lee, watching Dr. Strange, really great movie. I told him about Lerr, he said just forget it. I knew that right before he opened his mouth. She was attracted by someone else, and I stood no chance against him from any aspect, regardless of attitude, looks, demeanor, thinking. I was an asshole compared to him, and my colossal ego put me in the pit of nadir. I was changing, but I was still ‘unappealing’ to the crowd, the society. He told me to do something after SPM, ask her out or something around those lines, but I highly doubt it would happen. And I bet both of them are going to be couples the next time I bumped into anyone of those two.
The first paper was Bahasa Melayu, it was a cinch. Resumed by Chinese, English and History. All on seperate days throughout the first week. I did my best. If I screwed up anywhere, it was for God to decide.
I had the same mindset for all of my papers. I did not touch, read, nor skim through any notes an hour before the exam. People around me were talking shit about me not studying. Nevertheless, I just wanted to rest my mind, making sure it fully functioned during the exams, I ignored everyone of them and let my mind relax.
I was completely unproductive for the whole month, it was like a parasite draining out your life force. The month was dreadful, I felt like shit for doing nothing, I hated myself for being a useless piece of shit for that entire month.
Screw SPM, it is a screwed up system, fix this shit ministry of education. I do not want my children to suffer the same shit that I have to go through.
After finishing the last paper, I went for football, but I did not feel anything lighter on my shoulders, but I felt an immense drop into an infinite abyss of darkness, trying to search the faintest but the brightest light to guide me to my dreams, hope and joy.
I want to climb, swim, and overcome the tallest mountains, the deepest seas in my life.
Show me what you have, life.
P.S. NOVEMBER 2016
Hope. Joy. Feelings cloaked as words.