Meeting Her

The aperture greeted me with her serene demeanor, unexpected, unprecedented, she was right in front of my eyes. I was dumbfounded for a second, did not know how to react, I greeted to her, and to them. We were the judges for the Chinese Singing competition that was held in my previous school.

She was not here for the prelims, she was here instead, the second round, to be a judge. I did not expect that to happen, I did not iron my clothes in the morning, I was tattered and messed up. Awkwardly, I paced myself to have a seat among the judges group- Sav, Sha, Kin, and her, Lerr.

My heart was palpitating, I could not think straight, I pinched myself at my thigh, this is real. After half a year, I finally got to meet her, to immerse in her presence. I did not know how to talk, literally, I was too anxious, She is as beautiful as ever, my palms were sweaty, Her eyes are gorgeous without her specs, butterflies fluttering in my stomach, she is thinner compared to the last time we met, my train of thoughts were haphazard, she still have the dark caramel skin and she is beautiful, the textbook feelings when meeting some one whom you love hit me hard.

We are not together, there are too many reasons, the prime is me, but not to mention any bad thoughts in the presence of her, because I promised myself to turn over a new leaf and think more positively. I pushed away all of those past memories, relishing the time that I had with her at this very moment.

I heard that she was having a great time learning Korean language, and they chatted most of the time. She asked about them, but not me, normal. This is how one-sided this situation is, a partisan love, a clap with one palm; I love her, but she avoids it as if it was infectious in a horrendous way.

I attempted to break a conversation with her but they escorted us to our respective posts, me, Lerr, Sav, in a class, Kin, and Sha in another. The people are very well-planned. They put us in the same class, my heart leaped with joy. I entered the class with her as the vanguard with me being the last, trailing from behind.

Seeing some familiar faces, shaking some hands from my friends there, walking to the judges’ seat, “Yang, you have the middle seat.” Sav offered me.

“Thank you.” my grin was brighter than the sun. My heart was grateful, I uttered a silent praise to the Lord. The competition started abruptly, leaving no time for us to talk. I skimmed the crowd, as well as her posture. My job here was to jot down the fate of the contestants, we were given the carte blanche to deem anyone worthy or not to proceed to the finals.

I zeroed in my professional listening skills into full fledged, the start of the competition, the singers were less captivating. Taking a peek into Lerr’s score sheet, she shrugged away in a child-like manner, squeaking a ‘don’t peek’ gesture in the middle, as I had vaguely remember, but she rekindled the flame in me, that is why I love her. I told her about the scoring system that she needed to give points to each contestants individually. She smiled meekly, her usual joyful, innocent smile, which could dazzle me in a heartbeat, and prompted me to pay attention to the competition.

The giving score part was dreadful, I had to listen to most of them that had the normal singing pattern, and gave marks, difficult. Only one group stood out among the other people, Jay and Obama, Aston as the guitarist. They had a spectacular performance, everything that a jaw-dropping performance was there, thumbs up for them, I applauded for them as loud as possible.

After everything had ended, we had to give comments for their performance. She dominated the commentary part. I gave a general one, then she gave the individual comments with me and Sav. Lerr way of speaking had not changed, the tinge of joyfulness in her voice, had not lost its spark.

We sauntered out of the class after handing in the score sheets to the organiser. She called her father, Sav had to leave, we bade goodbye. Her talk with her father was short. “So… How’s learning Korean?” I asked, a crack to the stillness between us.

“It’s fun.” curt, aphoristic, her voice was pulled back by some mysterious force, resulted, conjured by my past actions.

“You are leaving for Korea?”

“Yes.” this is awkward. I should stop. She was completely reluctant to talk to me, she was avoiding me, until this very moment. I was torn apart, at the same time, witnessing a blessing in disguise. Jay broke some conversation with her to assist me from me awkwardness. The other two came out.

Joe appeared out of nowhere, and asked us to visit the brand new choir room. We walked into the refurbished choir room, reminiscing the good old times that we had here, a throwback, she cited, I could imagine myself playing the piano, and she was conducting, not a single thread of relationship was messed up in the entanglement of reality, where everything was still untouched.

I joined their conversation with short ‘ums’ and small nods because I did not know what to react or to bring up. She did not even turn to me and faced me until this time, she did not even ask about a single thing regarding about me, the partisan love, strong, unbroken.

Joe and me went to the toilet first, parting away from Sha and Lerr. “So unexpected.” I told Joe, he slapped me on the back, and we chattered our way from the toilet to meet Pn. Liow, it was my suggestion. She was as exuberant as ever, had a short conversation with her, and we decided to go to take the car.

As we approached the gate, I saw Lerr and Sha walking out, Joe shouted to them to ask them whether they had met Pn. Liow or not, they did not want to do so, they wanted to go home, because their parents were outside.

Lerr turned her back, waving a goodbye to me, the best that she could give, I waved into her back, when I knew I need to be better than myself because she deserves someone better than me, and I am going to be the someone better than me. Her back walking in her usual elegant, confident stride, her pony-tail swaying from the right to the left pinned by a golden butterfly stringed clip. This could be the last chance I could hear her voice, and feel her presence.

I was left with a mixed feeling, my innards were messed up, my heart was intertwined in a screwed up pattern. I was happy, overjoyed, stunned. Nothing could express the feelings in my heart, it was inexplicable.

Dear Lerr,

If you are reading this, which you probably won’t, haha but I hope you do, after I had met you after all these months, I felt somewhat relief, overjoyed, and filled with hope once more, the new found hope in me. I know you are going to Korea, maybe it is going to be a one-way ticket, and you might find your oppa there. I stand no chance against those Koreans, I have to empower myself even more, it is all because of you. 

Thank you for making the unexpected surprise for me, that really made my day, or even replenished my dying soul. This is some sort of reminder of that I had made with myself in my previous letters to you, three years, now it is more than one sixth done, time is not on my side, and I have to become someone better than me. 

The worst thing I felt is the feeling of avoidance, you just needed to let your heartbeat distort, and you simply disconnected from me, pulling of the plug deliberately. Time will mend broken trusts, slow and dreadful process. However, your smile is as beautiful as ever, it is simply a blessing to see your smile for the very last time, because I do not know when is the next time I could see your smile, your dark caramel skin, your demeanor, you.

With hope,
Yang.

P.S. JULY 2017
A wonderful day,
A blessing in surprise,
A hope de novo,
Meeting her.


For the previous ones…
Tangled Skein
Hope. Joy..
A Letter to Her

Tailor

Published by zeckrombryan

Hope. Joy. Feelings cloaked as words.

37 thoughts on “Meeting Her

  1. “I uttered a listen praise to the lord” Lol that was pure gold XD

    I do wonder though, what exactly happened between you two? If you don’t mind sharing?

    If you prefer to share about it in private, feel free to email me via
    doubleyourpresence@gmail.com

    BUT NO OBLIGATION lol so don’t feel like you MUST tell me what happened. I’m just wondering cause if there’s anyway that I can help in your situation, I’d love to hahaha! Anywho, let me know eh?

    Your pal,
    Benjamin
    http://www.projectbiy.com

    1. Haha, it’s complicated, maybe I will pen it down as a series in my blog, (it is not going to be soon) but I have moved on (not so), but I just keep her as a thought, a single sided love, to act as a catalyst to my life. But, the little insights are hinted across my blog under the tag what is love? or life stories, the majority of them are there, it should be an easy read. Haha, I am lazy to compost a total account to you via email. And I guess you should have found your way through my posts. Thank you !

      1. Ahh alrighty. Keep it up then heh.
        One word of advise though, one-sided love is never healthy. The fact that you added the (Not so) literally meant that you’ve not moved on.

        In my experience, study (I major in psychology) and personal researches- I can tell you that if you don’t truly move on, her silhouette will forever be in your life.

        Naturally, it’s just my opinion and advise lol you don’t have to take it!

        But remember this, she can act as a catalyst to your life but is it a good or bad catalyst- That will ultimately determine how your life’s direction.

        Honestly if you ask me, whether it’s healthy to continue to allow someone who isn’t exactly in your life anymore to “Guide” your way of life and help (Indirectly) in your decision making?

        I think we can both say that it ain’t healthy hah!

        Btw, I’m saying this based on my own experience for this one LOL.
        I was hung up over someone for years, allowing her to haunt every decision I make before finally getting over it. Tell you what-

        I just received word that you emailed me back so I will tell you more there eh?

        Talk to you there later if I’m not too busy! If I am, fret not, I will respond to you as soon as I can. Cheers dudeeee!

        Talk to you again soon. Have a good night man 😉

        Your pal,
        Benjamin

      2. Aw glad that you do 🙂
        Did you happen to experience similar issue in relationship?

        Btw, salam Eid al adha, am I using it right for the current festive season? XD

        Your pal,
        Benjamin

      3. Hahaha glad I did- learned that from my muslim friend XD

        Hope you had a good celebration 😀
        Will get to your blog review in a bit!

        Your pal,
        Benjamin

      4. Hey bud so I checked out your blog already here are my thoughts.

        First, well done with the aesthetics. Layout looks good and everything actually looks really nice!

        However, I did notice a problem and it lies in the incomplete pages. Just gotta get them finish asap ESPECIALLY your “About” page cause that’s usually the first page new visitors would tend to click on to get a feel of you and your site.

        See it as an intro of sorts to your “Home” 😉

        Aside from that, writing is pretty well done! If you want to create more immersion, you can consider including images in between paragraphs in your posts.

        Consider removing “Testimonials” and if possible, the social media symbols if they aren’t in use as they just take up space and could make things look messier as they serve no purpose lol.

        Things do look good for a new blogger so hey, you are doing really good! Keep it up, eh?

        If you got questions, do feel free to ask 😉

        Your pal,
        Benjamin

      5. Wow ! Thankyou for taking out so much time for reading my blog and for such a helpful and extensive feedback!
        Yes I will try to complete About page. May be I am just thinking too much what to write in it. Hopefully will do soon.

      6. Hahaha as long as you get it up 😉

        A quick guidelines would be sharing a little about who you are and why this blog exist- the purpose.

        If you wanna add details to make things more interesting, I say have fun with it hehe.

        Your pal,
        Benjamin

      7. Sure will do InshaAllah! I would if you follow my blog and I get this awsome feedback and your precious point of views on my posts in future also! May you stay happy and energetic like this always! Amen

      8. Hello again Benjamin!
        hope you are well ! 🙂
        So i updated and fixed few things as you highlighted. Thank you so much for that.
        I posted my first blog talking about the purpose of starting it and that’s why I put the same thing in my about page.
        Can you help me with one thing more? If about page already explains the purpose of my blog then what should be in the home page?

      9. Hello! I am well thank you! Hope you are too and hey, you’ve changed things around for the better, that is good to hear 🙂

        I’d love to assist!

        If your about page does that, your home page could be used as a landing page, where you put links for ppl to click on to navigate around with ease 😉

        There’s are lots of ways to use this page but I’ll list a few:

        1. Use this homepage as another menu for ppl to navigate with ease.

        2. Use this homepage to include access to content you want your readers to read, which would’ve otherwise, be missed cause they are lost in your huge library of posts in future.

        But try not to jam pack it so that things will look nice and organized.

        Personally, I use it to link ppl to the links that I feel is important. You can do that too or think of how you want to utilize it.

        Pretty sure there are more ways to make use of this “homepage” 😉

        Be creative, maybe you can have a quote or something section here and with every week, you’d update this quote to another that you found inspiring.

        Find your own purpose for this page and test it out- don’t forget to ask for feedbacks from readers too!

        If you got more questions, do feel free to ask 🙂
        Once it’s updated, let me know too!

        Apologies for the late respond btw lol been busy with my YouTube channel’s content and live streaming XD

        Your pal,
        Benjamin

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