Talking to Myself

Pain, once more. Less than 90 days, 88 days to be exact, counting down to the first term of STPM, I did nothing, less than expected. Why did I do so? Because I procrastinate, because I was asshole in time management, because I was obstinate to not join any tuition, because of me, and myself, my folly.

Your days are counted, you see, Yang. How many days are left? And you haven't even cover a single chapter in Physics and Malaysian studies. What in the actual fuck are you doing? Are you planning to fuck yourself up over? This is the only chance to get a springboard to my desired university, and you decide to fuck this over?

How are you going to finish all 11 chapters of Physics in so 'many' days? How are you going to know where your standard is when your school teachers are a bunch of less committed people (exceptions for Chemistry and Maths)? You are just taking four subjects, and you decide to fuck yourself up with your choices? Are you going to waste your fucking time here, putting your time and energy here, and yield nothing? 

I say this once more motherfucker. If you don't get your fucking ass moving, you are screwed. You spend one more second on Youtube watching comedies, animes, you are spelling your pit of nadir faster than ever. The more you procrastinate by not sleeping and watching Youtube; the more time that you spend in school during those useless periods doing nothing, learning nothing; the more time you waste; the more fucking trouble you are bringing to yourself.

Obstinate I was, I slept into nothingness, putting my phones aside after watching some more Youtube. I had no self control. I am weak. 

The usual head ache pulsated in my head, sending anguish pain into my head, resulted from my late nights up doing essentially nothing, watching Youtube, I did not even bother to pick up a book to read, regardless of the type of book. I planted my head into the pillow, shouted in a genuine roar of pain, regret, nothingness.

You just have to grind your ass for this one year and a half, you are going to get a head start and a worthwhile rest of a few months to watch all the Youtube you want. Actually you don't even have the year and a half, you got no time, wake up motherfucker, how much fucking time do you still want to waste? Do something more productive. Do something. Fucking do something productive, Yang.

You have less time than you surmised, and you still want to get yourself entangle in a relationship, forget it motherfucker, get your ass moving. The pain inside my head reverberated inside me, I hid away from the onus, the things that I ought to do, and cocooned myself in a corner, thinking of nothing, doing absolutely nothing, throwing myself into the comfort of nothingness.

Fuck me. This is your life, and mine, if you decide to fuck yourself up hard, I can't stop you. Go ahead. Go plunge your fucking arse into nothingness, achieve nothing in your life, let your life be just a fucking hollow shell of flesh. Fuck this shit. Fuck you. Get your fucking ass started, and your motherfucking obstinate head cracking on equations or some shit along those lines. Get yourself together. Do something, anything, productive.


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Published by zeckrombryan

Hope. Joy. Feelings cloaked as words.

26 thoughts on “Talking to Myself

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