“Imagine yourself as a teeny tiny baby, cuddling inside your mother’s womb and what it felt like. Warm. Tight because her stomach is all over you.” Ponder’s voice was tinged with a courteous heart, the heart of a nurse ready to deliver a new-born baby. It was getting sultry in here, I let my hand hid inside my pocket with the knife, my last chance of escaping, gripped tightly in my palms of sweat.
A few soft pillows were stacked against me, then four dead weights sat on top of me, “How’s it inside, Candace?” her voice flickered with the nonchalance.
“I’m… Dying… Fu…” one of them suddenly sat on my face.
“You think you are going to die inside there?” I want to get the hell out of here. My voice was muffled by the dead weight on my face.
“I’m so excited! I’m going to have a baby! Hope that she’s a girl, then I can play dress-up with her, teach her how to read, and read some fairy tales to her!” Newmaker was hyperventilating with joy, “I’m going to keep her safe… We are going to be together, forever, a normal life.” the last phrase made me revolted.
“Do you believe in her, Candace?” I had to play by her rules, my muffled voice somehow was heard as a yes. “Are you happy?” Fuck no. I struggled for a while, I had enough of this shit.
“Oh. Look the baby is ready to be borned!” Watkins exclaimed.
“If the baby doesn’t decide to be borned, she will die.” definitely. My mind was bamboozled with thoughts of breaking away from this bondage. “When the baby decides to be borned, it’s a wonderful thing.” There were cheers from them.
My hand gripped firmly to my last key of hope. “Come out! baby!” I pushed, nothing budged, my face was still slapped with the dead weight. “Come out! Push!” This is fucking impossible, four adults pressing on me, I tried to shift and move around my knife, nothing moved.
“I… Can’t…” I moaned. “Quit pressing… against… me…! LET… ME… OUT…!!” screaming at the top of my lungs.
They simply turned a deaf ear to me, “Do you feel the contractions, ma’am.” a joyful yes from Newmaker invoked the adrenaline gush into me.
“I’M DYING! FUCKERS! ARE YOU GOING TO LET ME DIE?” I let out a cry for help.
“then just fucking die.” I was stunned by the response, “for real. Just fucking die, you fucking quitter.”
“Why are you still living? Just end your life.” a few more pillows were added to the stack of pressure. “Die right now and go to heaven.”
“Living is hard. Sometimes this process lasts for 18 hours.” What the fuck?
“I… CAN’T… BREATHE!” I shouted. “GIVE… ME… SOME…” my voice dried up once more, lack of oxygen, the bane of my consciousness.
“YOU GOTTA FIGHT FOR IT BITCH!” I could not recognise whose voice belonged to who at this point of oxygen deficiency, “It’s not easy to live a human life, you need to be strong.” My hearing was foggy, same with my consciousness. I need to get out.
“Please…” I pleaded, moaned, cried. “Please… Let me out…” the crying accentuated, my system broke down simultaneously, I defecated, vomited, the sheets were tattered with my shit, literally. I need to… knife.
I fidgeted my hand to position the knife into one of those dead weights, the wait could not be fulfilled, it would cost my life or theirs, the law of the jungle. The tip of the knife poked a hole through my pocket, through the feces, ripping through the mesh pillow, enveloped in the thick sea of pillows. Shit, I’m going to die.
“There’s not enough pressure here.” my body was numb, nothing of those matter anymore, my last hope had dissipated into thin air, I uttered a silent prayer, hoping this would end fast.
“I’m so excited… I’m waiting for you, to love, to hold you… my child.” my heart raced with anger, “Baby, I love you already. I’ll hold you, love you, forever… Don’t give up your life before it is even there…” her voice trailed off with silence, and a new found vigor in my heart.
Two dead weights were lifted, This is it. My hand with the knife swung with full velocity, I wrung myself as hard as possible, flinging all of the pillows away, I let my knife run rampant, ripping the flannel into shreds of confetti. Four of them seized me immediately, throwing themselves into me once more, four dead weights, one dead body, I coughed out blood.
“LEMME OUT!” I shrilled, when the pillow covered my head in total. Struggling was my last resort, mustering the very last ounce of my remaining energy, kicking violently into the air, my oxygen supply was quickly depleting, I coughed sharply into the pillow. Four dead weights were not done with me. My vigor died down, I stopped kicking.
“Quitter. Quitter. Quitter. Quitter. Quitter! Quit! QUITTER! QUIT!”
“Your sorry ass does not deserve to live, quitter.”
My world swirled into total darkness, the silver cord attached me to live was severed after a life time of perseverance, there were those bread crumbs to my toddler days coruscated in my head before being reclaimed by darkness. I was treated as a gift, returned when unwanted, played with until love was satisfied. This was my life, a fucking gift.
Previously: Re-Birth #Exodus