Somnolent nights, starry skies, I cupped myself in my shame, curled myself into a ball at the corner of my room, scrolling through my feeds on Youtube. I am a Youtuber, and a student, it was dejected when I opened the comments section, it was filled with hate, insulting comments.

You bitch, you ain’t that beautiful. you think you are so beautiful? You are just white, that’s all, and all the more you are just a bitch, a motherfucking bitch, stop making videos, your face just scar my eyes, your voice just wreck my ear drums…

Your reviews are hackneyed, not well-covered, and honestly you are not that beautiful, and your make-up skills are quite ordinary, not something I would spend my time on…

My eyes started to tear up, I was in total dismal, it was abominable, having to put up with all this shit when I put in my effort to make these videos. These abysmal, toxic comments were incessant since last month, a small growth in my channel brought forth a few haters or toxic commentaries.

A clamour of hate, sadness, anger, self-accusing veiled inside me. Tears were not stopping, I re-watched the video that I had made, I kept blaming myself for not being beautiful, not being the perfect person, not being the professional Youtuber, the prominent influencer.

I screenshot my hate comments and posted it on my stories on Instagram, hoping for some people to shed some light to me, to comfort me, to take me out of this pit of hate, and to give me a word of confirmation, a commiseration.

there are haters and trollers, just leave them. Someone replied to my story.

Stay strong, you are beautiful because you are be-you-tiful. 

Words of encouragement came in as a reservoir of hope, there was still hope in this realm, I took it all up, the positive and the negative, converted them into my grit to continue pursue my hopes of being a influencer, a good, impactful influencer.

I shut my phone down, stared into the dark ceiling, knowing that I had to be better, to be unique in order to become what I wanted to become, pondering, and ruminating on my next video, all of this is a cycle, I convinced myself, just do what you love, and never give up.

Inspired by : a friend of mine, not so close but just a mutual friend, a Youtuber, an influencer, a fashionista.

Her Instagram: @ncole_jpg
Youtube channel: Nicolce
Twitter: @ncole_jpg
Blog: https://bonjournicol.blogspot.my/

Craving for more? Down below:
Hardship vs. Grittiness
Redefining Pain, Life, Stress.
Mind Over Matters

One Last Time
Maths is Beautiful
Guest Post: The Day I Decided My Future
Guest Post | Last Day Alive
Some Wisdom

Cloaked

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