Morning, 5.00 a.m. still laying on bed procrastinating on assignments that needed to be handed in in two days. I was still having the pangs of sickness lingering in my head, my throat, my body, I was told by my mum not to go teach today, but I cared less, that was the moment I would regret after.
Still procrastinating, 6.00 a.m. I finally got out of my comfort zone, brushed up, started some of my work. Dilly-dallied, fluttering across the shock from yesterday, and picked up my pen when the sun peeked out a little. About 10 percent of my work done, I headed out to my work place, my voice was not feeling it, and I still needed to teach. Fantastic.
The first few hours of teaching was ordinary, it was just both the students and me were under the weather, they were wearied from their hometown trip, and I was recuperating from the undefeated battle with the viruses. I got a call, asking me to replace a class, two classes, then I got a complaint from my boss about my attire, he said I was sloppy, no doubt, because I was sick, and I cared less about how I looked. I knew I had to dress up, but the illness just got into me, hard.
After the first two hours of teaching, one new student suddenly popped into my class, I was totally unprepared, but my deftly taught the new student some new topics, it was as if I was taking a breezy walk, but my voice was starting to croak, dying, slowly.
I thought I could take a rest, but no, the replacement class that I was informed just now was about to start in a few minutes, and yes, I was unprepared, at all, again. Nothing much I could say, I let myself be me, teaching at my finest worst, trying my best, but I felt that I was a total bullshit in front of the students, I was terrified, I kept my cool, handling every predicaments flung at me.
Fifteen minutes break before starting my next class, for this one, even when I was prepared, I would be knocked back by the ‘ace’ in the class, so I tried my best to prepare, but to no avail, almost every week. I bought a ‘snickers’ and two cans of coffee to make me better, and my blunder was the ‘snickers’, I had a abysmal sore throat and a losing voice, this was when my voice was 60 percent gone.
Another fifteen minute hiatus, I had to dash with Winston to another place to teach, it was hell of a rush, everything, my feelings were haphazard, and my voice was really losing it, during the journey to another teaching place, I completely lost my voice, Fuck. I uttered silently, cursing was the least that could help me, I prayed, and took my prescription with the remnants of the ‘snickers’ bar in my stomach. We were reaching, anxiety slunk into my thoughts, I had to had my voice back. I adamantly commanded my throat to not screw things up.
My prayers were answered, once I stepped into the classroom, my voice was restored to 70 percent. I was facing three students, new faces, but soon to be gone, because they were having their big exam next week, so this would be their last class, I was just replacing, I tried my best to help them out, recapping some important topics, and there was this student, he was doing nothing, literally, he gave no fucks, zero fucks.
I was starting a little chat with the students, giving them some last minute advice, grandma style, old but gold, telling them to not worry, eat well, sleep well, before exam, and do not be stressed out. This guy, I did not know his name, but I heard rumours about him not doing anything even when he was in home-school, he had not fuck budget for me. S.O.S. I gave them the worksheets, and headed to the toilet to make a phone call to the original tutor, he said that guy could not be saved, I was like wtf. Okay, I need to do at least something, something… I came out of the toilet with a splash of water in my face, my voice was still intact, luckily.
Walking back into the classroom, I let the other two do the worksheets, and I asked that guy about what he know about the paper that he was about to sit next week, he knew close to nothing, he’s screwed. In my mind, I gave him tips, not actual tips, this was beyond saving, this guy needed a fucking miracle, unless he resit this paper next year, he would probably stand a chance. I uttered a silent prayer to him, and taught some random basic stuffs that all three of them would listen, and yes, I refreshed some of their memories, but I could not open fire to shoot that guy, I held myself back, not all cases are savable, I already offered him help, he was reluctant to stretch out his hand to grab it, even the previous more experienced tutor was dejected to even help that guy. I almost blurted out something that I was not supposed to say, I kept myself in my grounds, I slowly taught him some last-minute knowledge but it was for nothing.
At least I tried… Right after the class ended, my voice was completely gone, like poof! My mood was of a pendulum, swinging back and forth, as I sat in Winston’s car back to my rendezvous point to get my car, Maybe this was a test, I was given, placed in this situation for this particular reason, I should have given him a life lecture, but I knew I had no stand to give him one, I held myself back, I cogitated before I act. It was a test of life, I knew some cases of students were beyond help, if the students had given up on himself, no matter how much I stretch out to help them, they would just push me away. I knew that fact, I did not act harshly, even not out of sarcasm. I realised that sometimes, it would be nice to wait, before acting. Same with my blog posts lately, some were dedicated to a special someone whom I secretly a secret admirer of, what a title, but I knew everything would be better if I think through it first, taking a step back to see the greater good of the skies and oceans, as if playing chess, the waiting game, the thinking game, the brainstorming game, the game of probabilities, the game of chance, the game of life. She read my blog posts, she knew everything of me, I was suddenly insecure, a shock, but nonetheless, I would hope to take the bet, risk, probability.
P.S. OCT 2017
A day after the shell shock,
An indelible mark… sign… feeling…?
Realising that 退一步海阔天空。。。
What should I do…?