This is not going to happen. That was my thought all along, it would never happen, for now. If things came so effortlessly in life, then it might just not happen at all. I looked at her text once more, she said what she meant, nothing more, nothing less. But, my friends’ opinions differed from me, only me thought this would not happen, they assumed otherwise. Thinking that I would begin something magical in such frame of time, it was just a coruscation of pure imagination.
I ran through the meet-up several times in the day, hoping that everything would go as expected, that was a very broad spectrum of possibilities presented inside my mind. 1430, we had to meet at somewhere, I uttered a silent prayer before proceeding, I met her outside of the lab, we walked down the stairs together with some of her friends, I remained silent at first. But, once both of us were left alone, I started talking.
Handing her the folio of my recent writings, I asked her to help me read through it, and asked her about whether or not wanting to join me to go to an event in end-November. These were just preambulation before entering the main topic, I stopped hiding around the bushes, and stuttered, and asked, “Err… Ah…” she looked a little flustered, “That day you sent me the text… I just want to ask you about what you really meant… whether both of us could…” I was anxious as af. My vision kept shifting here and there on her.
“Maybe we could stay as friends… for now.” My heart did not sink, because this was one of the many outcomes that I had predicted, not predicted, I knew it from the very point that she sent me the message, “You know, studies come first, I don’t want to get into any kind of relationship at this point of time,” I nodded in assent, “Not now, for sure.”
“One year is not long.” I blurted out, “Maybe after this exam, we can…”
“Maybe, but not now.” she gave me a pat at my left arm. It was indescribable, mixed, yet compelling.
We bade each other goodbye, she promised to finish reading the few parts of my unfinished work, and everything was back to normal again, I cleared out the chunk of uncertainty pertaining in my brain that cockblocked every single thought of mine.
I learned from my past experiences, if a relationship does hinder you from your goal of life, or anything that you want to do in life, it is not a healthy relationship. Same goes to my case here, if she does prefer to dive into a relationship at this moment, I have to respect her choice because it was her time, not mine to decide. Nonetheless, my take on a relationship would not be time-consuming on doing worthless stuffs as I really dislike the fact of wasting time, so if she wants to, or perhaps I would take the bold step another time, in the future, at the right timing, we would become something. But, for now, I understand, we could exchanging writings occasionally, just be friends. Do I got friendzoned? No, I don’t think so, because I rather not lose a friend to become a stranger, it is very painful. Really thankful, grateful for the turn of events that have taken place. The weird thing was I got to learn a new vocab for the day, candour- the quality of being frank, honest- that was a better word than straightforward that she texted me after all this.
P.S. NOV 2017
Growth curve. Expected.