The revamping of my new self has been greatly disrupted by school, and mainly because of my feeble self with the lack of grit. My life is skewed away again, not on drugs, but with the addiction of wasting time.
I wonder why do I favour the act of doing nothing by browsing superfluous videos online or spending way too much time on games or just appear to be tired for no apparent reason or not wanting to go to bed earlier because of the prime stigma- my phone.
At the start of the year, I told myself, sleep at 10 wake up at 4. Yes! I did it, for a mere week. After that, it was a gruesome battle between me and my phone. The anxiety of not touching my phone, cruising through Youtube, playing games had overwhelmed me sooner than I expect, engulfing me wholly, throwing me back to my old self- a useless piece of shit that does nothing for the whole day.
“Read more.” I also told myself at the start of the year. However, the same conflict exists between me and my phone, the fierce battle of me succumbing to everything that my phone- my anxiety, told me to do. I was fighting an uphill battle, against the strong tantalizing need of satisfaction by me.
“Do more.” Instagram, Twitter, Youtube, Wang Zhe, ultimately hindered by myself, my anxiety to pull out my phone and slouch their for long periods of time, passing my sleep time, ignoring my exercise time, neglecting discipline by whole, totally.
Why? WHY!? Just give me a fucking reason why do I do this? Didn’t I have a clear prospect of life? But just why?
Or am I just lost in life? Fed up perhaps? I just do not feel the urge, the pure impetus that kept me going anymore.
Abject submission, that is what I feel now. No help can reach me, except for myself.
“Get rid of it.” I am so attached to my phone, I can not.
“It is shortening your time to pursue your dreams.”
“It is impairing your focus span.”
“It is bad.” My consciousness kept drumming into me, but my anxiety mellowed this wake-up call into mere whispers, transient random sounds. I simply could not comprehend how stupid I am to fall into a perennial loop of nothingness, swirling around my phone, doing absolutely nothing, but just destroying myself eventually from the inside out, from the future to the present.
Help me. It is too late, this call, my conscious self has dissipated into nothingness. Leaving the anxiety of the need to be attach to my phone rule supreme over me, a weak, sore loser who went down without even putting up a valiant fight.
Why do I have to do this to myself? Because I want to, I need to, I must.
Stop. Just stop.
I want my fucking future back, not this pile of inane pile of shits laying all around me.
Imagine what you can achieve no more time is wasted on aspects of life that are rather insignificant. Use that, re-fuel me with grit to springboard me back into action, fighting life, head-to-head, never bowing down to it voluntarily.
It is time. I have not much time left. I must do what is not a waste to my life, but a plus to me.
It is time to stop.
It is time to start.