“Stop playing games.” I told myself, repeatedly, “Study.” my mind was crunching as hard as possible, craving for the sweet sweet dopamine and the constant rush of adrenaline that games could provide more efficiently than studying.
I was battling this fight in this week which was why I was not posting. I had to attend tuition until 10, and school wore me out too quickly. School is a threat to my spirit and energy. However, I kept telling myself that, “Stop doing this, Stop doing that. Start studying.” it was a torture.
The wrestle went on relentlessly with my mind drifting into a whole lot of pain due to lack of sleep and insomnia. I was consistently wanting something to do, mindless tasks such as re-watching some movies, scrolling through social media, playing games. And yes, I had promised myself not to do all the above, but the monster was greater than I thought.
I surmised that changing my toxic lifestyle was a cinch, but it was the total opposite. The death of the nights, my body submitted voluntarily to it, I was doing nothing, literally, and not sleeping. I was not studying, I was not reading, I was not blogging. My life was taken over by the dark force that governed my old self- the pernicious prick that I was.
Lazy- the four letter word that kept me on airplane mode, I was feeling contend with what I have, I had no motivation or whatsoever to thrive in anything, I was a baron corpse wearing life flesh.
“Yang, you have to study.” the voice decrescendo, the new me established not for a month was being devoured by my abominable past. My inner voice was merely a whisper, or even a thought, I was being eaten alive by the dread of life- the four letter word, starting with L, ending with Y.
Satiated with the ecstasy, the facade of delirium. I was defeated.
Throwing my dreams and hopes out of the window, I only realised how meaningless life is.
I let them go.
Yet, the tiny voice in me sprout to life, I thought it was dead.
“Go.” Simple, short, packing punches.
I need to stop. Speaking under my breath, inhaling the arid reality for my grittiness to take flight, beating all odds of changing into the betterment.