“Pertinacious.” Kai uttered syllable by syllable and went to her class. Just one word to cap off everything that was on my mind when I had a small talk with her. She sent my thoughts flying into the endless spiral of my cluttered mind, a multilayered madness.
Holding tenaciously to a purpose. My mind responded with the definition, and I started to re-think my strategy in facing my life. In the previous post, I had been ranting more and more, being the most negative that I had ever been. However, Kai’s word sparked a train of thoughts in me which led to a someone who had left a comment on my post that changed my thoughts, but my actions were still behind time.
The blogger commented on my writings, and the negativity in the recent ones. I had to admit that I was rather too much, and I looked back to my own agenda in writing, it was and is to promulgate inspirations rather than killing them with negativity. Therefore, I was adamant to change.
A few days in, I shifted my sleeping style, my phone usage style. But, just for a few days only, I successfully reverted back to the toxic self. My mind told myself to remember those words, but my desire would not.
Until now, “Pertinacious.” I thought to myself. What is life when you do things that is deluged with instant gratifications? Isn’t life a challenge? If I just aim the easy things that satisfy me fast, where is the intrinsic meaning of living? Ain’t I no better than a living corpse?
Looked back, ruminated. Yes, I am going to change. From small, gradually to big things. Just put away the fucking phone, what’s so hard about it? It is difficult, extremely. Sometimes I wrestled with my inner desires, I succumbed to them most of the times, but I am learning to fight back, to stand up, to reclaim myself.
It is a slow and long and continuous and perennial fight. But, if I am victorious, I am just kicking away the thing that I invited into my life with open arms in the first place and I just want to live again.