How many days have past like this?
A perennial question that kept me on my toes.
I knew I had a problem with myself,
But, I chose to ignore it.
Why are you doing this to yourself?
I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t know, I don’t fucking have the answer.
Stop asking me this question! I am fed up with it, with myself.
When are you going to stop your toxic behaviour?
I’m stuck, I’m stuck, I’m stuck, I’m stuck, I’m stuck, I’m stuck, I’m stuck, I’m stuck.
Please, I beg you. Please get out of my life, my toxic side.
I want to stop wasting time on my phone; I want to stop wasting time on social media; I want to stop doing nothing beneficial to me; I want to stop being toxic…
All talk no show, what’s the point?
You think I want to be like this?
I do not choose this life. This motherfucking life chose me. What the fuck am I doing with this life? I serious have no clue whatsoever.
Putting up these fights with the devil is tiring, just fuck me.
“It is hard!” screamed my body, my muscles, my desires.
“I want a change.” That diminutive inner voice spoke right through my head.
JUST FUCKING CHANGE! YOU STILL WANT TO LIVE THIS LIFE OF REPEATING SADNESS AND EMPTINESS? HOW CAN YOU BE CONTEND WITH ALL THESE? THIS IS SO NOT YOU!
What if I give it my all to change? Some things just would not change.
School is still tiring. Exams are still difficult.
Other than that, I can climb the nine mountains and seven seas even if I need to force my corpse through that process.
Then, what’s the big deal with school?
It is killing me and my creativity, creatively.
The drain is real, I feel it, every single day, sucking me dryer by the moment. Every once I need to pick up the books that I do not like, I am putting myself in an odious trial that I do not deserve, or that I should.
Just remember, a few more months, you can spread your wings and fly again.
Until then, I don’t even know do I still have my wings or not.
What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.
At this point, you are just flinging motivational quotes into my face.
I am going to fucking survive this, make it through alive and alive.
I must, I have to.
I don’t know anymore.