Beep. Beep. Beep. A rudimentary morning, routine clean-up to be done. My mind was still groggy, not a single noise was interrupting yet with these quiet wee hours after a peaceful sleep. I got up, running auto-pilot, got myself cleaned up and made a cup of morning joe.
A distorted voice muffled into my head as I was getting woke, I scrubbed my ears for clarity, it was no one else but the voices in me. They were going to terrorise my day once again, like every other day, leaving me to the brink of insanity where the line between life and lies was depicted by a thread.
As I sat my mug of coffee down on the glassy table top, Don’t drink that shit. The abrasive, sardonic voice started to rumble across my head. I attempted to ignore it, it did not work at all; I tried talking to it, but to no avail; this time, I submitted myself into the voice. Pour that shit into the shit hole, it tastes and makes you feel like shit. I obeyed, the voice shifted into a rather condescending tone, Yes… Yes… YES….! Finally, you listened.
“What else?” I covered the roar inside me with a servant’s tone, meek. Just sit you lazy ass at the couch all day! What use is it to go to work? Watch TV the whole day, scroll through your phone whole day. Letting the commands pass through my head like a mixtape, You fucking piece of trash, just lay down and do nothing. There was not only one voice, it was a chorus of them. “This is a mistake.”
I wrapped my hand around my forehead, Come on lazy ass, just sit down and waste your day away. Scroll through Youtube to watch the same thing over and over again. Don’t open your emails, stop going to work, stop doing anything! Exerting pressure unto it. You are just a good-for-nothing, what use is it to go to work when you are just a laughing stock to them. They just picture you as a fucking psychopath, why bother to go to that shitty place again, sit your ass down at the couch and slouch!
The situation turned from bad to worse, leaving me with no room whatsoever to even breath. I was drowning deeper and deeper into the perennial feedback loop from hell, everything was percolating into a perfect chaotic mess. My phone was ringing across the room, I did not pick it up because the voices told me not to. I was contemplating with myself, or rather just relinquishing myself into abject submission.
Time was just a matter of time, nothing really mattered when my head was filled with the din of diabolical voices. My mind was mired in a convoluted shitstorm of insults, advice,- voices. “STOP THiS!” I flung the nearest object that I could grab into shattering something across the room.
I heard a shout, a door bang, and more shouting into me. Gradually spiraling into the incessant flow of hell, I gave up.
Laying my head into the warmth of her presence, the voice decrescendo. Her tears shed light into my dire situation. She kept me closer into her embrace, slowly crying herself to comfort me.
Silence was all I needed. She gave me that, and more.