Tick. Tock. Tick and there goes another wasted moment. Yang, do you know that you have an exam upcoming next week?
Yes, I know. That’s why this time is the first time I really put in effort to study, literally first time in my entire life.
And you are still consistently on Youtube, Twitter, scrolling mindlessly through your phone, instead of managing your blogging and writing schedule. What happened to you? What happened to the habit and the fire that you have for this blog?
Honestly, it is a rough battle. Reality is attempting to snatch my identity away, to conform and to devour my endeavour. I succumbed to it a few times, I was slacking, slowly and surely. I just started losing myself after that blunder, after I took things too seriously from school, after I indulged myself more and more in my phone for no apparent reasons.
What are you going to do about all these?
Nothing. Just plain nothing. You are just all talk no show.
Even Malaysia can have a change, why not I?
Because all you do is talk, no action at all taken. Tell me, which of your ‘new’ goals that you have pushed yourself to do.
None. Zero. Nada.
True that. We have this conversation for way too many times. I end up with new-found willpower and dissipated into thin air after a few hours. What is happening to me? Why am I losing myself? Just tell me.
Well. Maybe it is time to re-purpose again, to rekindle the forgotten…
It is not forgotten, it is gone. I could no longer find my purpose anymore, I felt like everything is crumbling down in front of me, like shattered glass of reality.
I just could not do this anymore.
Then, fuck it.
Like how you did last time, spending your fuck budget wisely. Perhaps this is the last resort.
Hell yes and no. Maybe.