Rain was pelting relentlessly against the exterior of the car, racing with each other across the closed windscreen, I was gazing into the nothingness that pried into my heart which was hollow. The crisp angelic voice tore into the perfect cadence.

I’m coming home, coming home
Tell the world I’m coming home

Let the rain wash away,
All the pain of yesterday…

I know the kingdom awaits, and they have forgiven my mistakes. The lyrics snipped themselves magically together accompanied by a rap movement which resounded boldly of the pain that I was going through- the astray kind. Tapping my feet into the rhythm, half-humming the lyrics with the beat, I was swayed into a trance where my mind was let to relish the intrinsic treasure hidden between the notes.

As I was swinging back and forth in the reverie of going home, I was pummeled into the greatest depth of my life set up wholly by my over-inflated ego. The abyss was too deep to climb out from, even light was unable to penetrate through the infinite darkness that shrouded me. There was a string of broken chords slurring through the walls of concrete blackness, followed by a man’s voice.

You can be the greatest, you can be the best,
You can be the King Kong bangin’ on your chest
You can beat the world, you can beat the war,
You can talk to God, go bangin’ on his door.

Burning with the brightest flame, and yet I was not standing at the hall of fame. Instead, the smouldering flame transformed into something even vicious, almost engulfing myself entirely, until I slowly learned how to manage it. When the fire took over, there was an unstoppable power, fueling my heart with bursts of deluge pureness.

We can be heroes everywhere we go
Keeping us down is impossible
Cause we’re unstoppable.

“Oh woah. We’re unstoppable.”
“Oh wo…”

Fire could never burn forever, it was ephemeral yet ethereal. Darkness gradually asserted its dominance once again. I was put through it all again. My eyes was fixated dead into the pitch black nothingness, forgetting something- a someone, who is extremely important.

Rummaging through the impairment of my vision, I could not feel anything except for anything. The past was the one that I could not let go, that was what the darkness signified. I was self-conscious, but yet, I just, could not let go.

I did not feel well, for a long time. Failing to steer myself back on track every single time when I had the chance.

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name.

So let go my soul and trust in Him
The waves and wind still know His name.

Light started to flood my vision, I could see clearly once more. Clarity was the foremost wave that rushed into my face. A delicate music box started to tick, the melodic arpeggio of nine notes completed with a strum danced.

Ano oozora ni todoku made
I believe hitotsu no ashita he…

The world ahead was waiting for me, the countless possibilities of success stood before me. However, after ego, there was this unprecedented, predictable and inevitable element of life that was put in front of me- love.

I was bad at handling relationships, perhaps it was the way that I get a hold of my own life. Blunder, stupid mistakes; foolishness, bad decisions; impatience, regrettable consequences. Letting myself to be over my own head, leaving only fantasies- fallacies, to become my solace.

So one last time
I need to be the one who takes you home
One more time,
I promise after that, I’ll let you go.

Getting so close yet so far to you, I still hear your voice, I still feel your presence in my dreams. Even we were not even close to being lovers, the castles built on the skies were the times that we spent together as friends. Hallucination started to creep into my mind, kicking into a full spin the fountain of youth.

Can’t you hear my heart beat fast so I can’t let you go
Want you in my life.

But now, we could only be strangers. I screwed up everything royally, severing ties with you entirely. Once again, reappearing in the depths of blackness, murky waters, darkness, emptiness, hollowness. Embracing everything alone, I segregated myself from everyone, I became a lone ranger- a loner.

Lately I’ve been, I’ve been losing sleep,
Dreaming about the things that we could be,
But, lately I’ve been, I’ve been prayin’ hard,
Say no more countin’ dollars, 
We’ll be counting stars,
Oh, we’ll be counting, stars.

Craving for more? Down below:
Tried
Recur
Act To Be
Pandang Ke Timur
Believe In Yourself.
Willing to
Typical Malaysian Family Conversations.

 

 

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