Debut post by her. Gracefully weaved by a wacky yet delicate writer, untamed by life- Jean. Go and show her some love: @ceejaywhy
If there is one thing that I have ever been too mindful for, but now I regret it, it only boils down to how selective I was when it came to deeming those in my life as friends, even up till date. Not to forget, of course, everyone upholds different definitions of what friendship actually means and to me, having to call someone a friend could be one of the toughest choices I can make due to the increasing perfectionism crippling into my soul.
I could not bear having friends in my inner circle who could not understand my values, more so the intention behind my every action. Yet I know in my heart that it is too much to ask for from an ordinary person who also goes through life and death like I do. Having said that, when I call someone my ‘friend’, deep down, I do mean it.
Just before I begin to sound more devastated about life, I would not like my readers to dwell in those too much because a lot of me still believes that true beauty lies within the imperfections. Everyone needs a setback in order for a setup to happen. They say life is like a roller coaster, the ups and downs define the seasons of life a person has to go through. It is never a choice, but yet you still have the free will to choose whether you are going to feel miserable about it or enjoy the ride to its fullest.
Now, I persevered through my first semester in university with only one friend that I truly cared about. That one friend, as I mentioned, means a lot to me. Believe it or not, ever since I graduated from high school, that one semester in university made me realised that the statement ‘you need friends to help you score good grades in studies’ was never my thing because it all felt like I was giving free rides for people to achieve a high distinction than they are to me; people needed me more than I needed them. I genuinely liked that friend of mine and I would not mind having to spend the rest of the semesters in university with her. This is how much I valued authentic friendships.
Right before the start of second semester, here goes the moment on a roller coaster after you get to the top of the first big hill and just before you go down it. In fact, you anticipated those twists in your stomach, but you never expected it to come so quick.
All of a sudden on the day the timetables are out, the friend of mine threw a bad news right at face, saying that she has decided to change her course and no longer sit in with me during lectures nor tutorial classes. Then, there is a short, quiet pause as you teeter on the top and float for a brief second as the roller coaster cars tip down while all you hear is tick. tick. tick. tick. tick. tick. tick.
This is exactly when I needed to scrutinise myself from the inside out- from a third-person point of view. There is a reason why God brings people closer to certain people and then lets them go. When I look back, there was not one person I got really attached to who did not have something valuable to teach me in my life. The irony is, most of these people were temporary because their duty was to show me different ways, and then set me free.
God enlightens people by allowing certain people to grow closer to you, to bring out the best in you and by pulling you close to those who are capable of digging you out of your darkness. It is just that, a lot of times we try to turn these temporary people into forever people and then get frustrated when these people leave because we could not let go.
What if all of it was to set me up for the day I meet the person who is meant to stay forever, so I’d be able spot them from a mile away in a crowded place.