This is a piece where I just type my feelings out, non-stop, pure, genuine, straight out of my head. I do not want to have any impurities that come with this, I just wanted to lay bare to me, myself and I (and to the readers, lest not forget).
My life has been a mess at this point of time, everything is going not so well, a helter skelter situation, nothing less than a shitstorm inside my mind. I have a week’s worth of holidays, but guess what, I did almost nothing more than going for tuition classes, I did not create more content for my blog, I did not pick up my unfinished book, I did not revise my syllabus, I was lazy, super.
I just did not feel like it, there was a mental obstacle within me, I felt that as if a barrier was conjured inside and outside me, I am doing lesser than expected, I am being less productive. That is what I do not like and yet I keep on doing so.
Tiredness struck me from nowhere, giving me the reason to not write, study or be productive. I feel like writing this out would be my last best choice in expressing my convoluted thoughts into a piece in order to de-cluster my brain.
My neck hurts, my body is screaming for the bed, I do not feel like doing anything. The willpower that I have is limited, I am writing this because of the hope of getting rid of my dark self- the lazy one.
To be frank, I have not been frank with myself enough, I am not pushing myself hard enough, I am sleeping later than expected and complaining shit about the tiring schedule that I have. I know the problem of my life and yet I have not resolved it; I know my sleep is hindering my progress and yet I persist in playing my phone in sleeping stead; I hate myself for doing so and yet I cared less.
The music that I have been listening to has been on loops, J-pop is my go-to when I write, 00s English songs are my secondary choice when my brain is stuck. But, I switched my tab to close the music, silence is still golden.
My train of thoughts has never been straight, or at least on track. My head is always in a mess, my thoughts are scattered asunder, making me less than a whole, a sporadic mess.
Worry has become one of my main issues when I am carrying out my life. I am starting to feel that particular emptiness that keeps my worry up about life, as if there is no reason for me to live on anymore. I have these thoughts, and then I am scrolling to Twitter because my habit shanghaied me to do so.
After writing this, I will probably be playing my phone once again, the addictive habit that I must severe in order for me to proceed in my life. But, I am unwilling to detach the strings attached to me.
I have a thought, maybe if I ask someone to help me with my sleep schedule, probably I can fix my sleep, or else I needed myself to help me. I am bad with people, I mean dealing or handling people, I am just so awkward or do not know what to say or my mouth just acts like a loose cannon, making me and my relationships to be easily broken down into smithereens.
For the fourth or fifth time, I fell for it again- love. I feel that I should not bother much about it because of the previous times that I have failed, I know I should just go with the flow and not to temper with love.
Shit, I swapped to Twitter just to see the notification, and heart-ed her reply to my tag to her. And I turned on the music again.
Distractions, distractions and distractions. They are all disastrous to my train of thought of venting them out.
Scrolling up to see whether I have written down this thought already. This happens to me quite often recently, I am starting to lose confidence in my short-term memory, like I do not think that I have switched off the lights but in reality I just switched them off like a couple of seconds ago.
I have two conjectures for this problem, firstly going back to my sleep schedule, secondly maybe I am lacking of exercise.
Temptations, I feel like I am in good hands, but when it comes to pleasing myself- self-pleasure, I am a bit out of hand. I am still battling myself, the inner devil implanted inside me. Although it takes out on average 20 minutes of my time per day, it is still not worth the few seconds of delirious ecstasy that I get from doing it.
I pray for this vice of mine to be strike off after almost two years of indulging in doing so.
“Are you happy now?” a verse in the chorus of Happy Now by Zedd & Elley Duhe resounded inside me as the song is playing. I just do not know how to answer this question anymore.
Writing up until this point, you must have noticed that my thoughts are everywhere, not concentrated at all. I just feel that my sleeping style is the downfall of all my shortcomings. I need to keep up with my sleep, myself and my exercise.
The burden inside my head has been lessened, all thanks to this kind of writing. Flushing them all out.
Around half an hour of honest real writing with myself, I felt that this is good.
I just switched to Twitter again, I must control myself.
The social media temptation is also one of the main problems that I have been facing, I should really cut down on that when I am supposed to do my productive things.
I think this enough for now.