Pressing my eyes against the pillow, an effective way to put me to rest my mind, body and soul. I recalled holding my phone in my hands before drifting into my reverie. In my sway into unconsciousness, I caught myself watching an unfinished Youtube video.
It felt real. I woke up, grabbing the air just to remember I put my phone on charge before napping. This happened to me more frequent than ever. Reality and unconsciousness began to overlap with each other, throwing my head into a temporal spin.
The fine line of reality and imaginary seemed blur, fuzzy and flimsy as if the fabric of realness started to wane into nothingness. I can be reading a material, my mind would start wondering around consciousness and unconsciousness, keeping my head in line with insanity and sanity. Doubtful thoughts started to emerge, existential enigmatic thoughts.
I picked myself up after drifting back and forth in the conscious and unconscious mind, pulling my fragmented self back as much as possible. Casting the wild encounters aside, my mind tried to pull another trickery on me.
What is this life for? All of these things that I am doing now, are they… I began questioning me for my doings, my efforts, my life in general. Uncertainty set in, I was helpless against it, only to fall for it, all the time. My mind could space out in between work, classes and daily life just to wander around the realm of nothingness, pondering about the worth of my efforts. Are they all worth it?
Prancing with the minds of mine, I found no definite answer in overthinking about these minute details of how my brain functions. I had to just go with the flow, without questioning much. If I asked more, more hesitation would set in, more unsettling thoughts would start to overwhelm me, nothingness would deluge me, leaving me with nothing and nothing to live about.
My life was in an absolute mess, even my mind was unsettled about it, conjuring delirious ecstasy in order to sugarcoat, tranquilise the disarray in me.
Craving for more? Down below:
On The Spot.
Nanning, Guangxi, China (Day 2)
Stop. Lying. (September Goals)
Sayangi Malaysiaku (Malaysia’s 61st Independence Day Celebration)
Underground by Haruki Murakami (Book Review)
My Darkest Self.