Unsettling, cacophonous, messed up. This is the life that I live, the brain that I have is ceaseless, restless and relentless. My mind is an enigma to me, to everyone, I can be directly straightforward with you without ever thinking of the consequences and I can be hiding behind the bushes whilst conjecturing every single possible types of actions before, during and after that particular moment.
It can be bothering when a mistake lingers inside my skull for days and even weeks, rendering me senseless in my faculty of thoughts. My head will be overwhelmed by that particular moment, imagining countless scenarios of me in making different decisions, sucking the very life force out of me.
Even when I am writing now, my head is filled with the annoying thoughts. It is like why do I even think about it when it is in the past and all. I want to set my mind free from all of this bullshit, it is purely stupid to even spend another second at that moment. Overthinking is an act beyond stupidity, it is pure fuckery.
I must get over it, I must get over myself in order to free my mind from it. The thoughts, demeaning and stupid, stop it. This is killing me. Why do I like to invite things that are killing me internally and externally? Why am I so self-harming? Why?
What should I do?
Do not think about it? Confront it? Apologise?
Apologising to myself for me involving in these puerile acts might be the panacea to this shitstorm. I need to fight, defeat the voices inside me, the disgraceful, humiliating treachery.
This is stupid, very, very stupid.
What a fool am I…