This is another honest piece where I ramble around for half an hour or so, see how long my fingers are willing to go and how much my head is willing to spill out. First things first, I did some rumination, pondering, thinking about what have I done throughout the year and I found nothing significant enough to be jotted in my records.
It is almost October, like three more months to a new year, that makes it natural for me to look back and reflect. I feel like, the sense of hopelessness engulfed me entirely for the year, I was dejected and dark, not someone you want to be with. The old me was devoured by the choice that I had made previously that was to enter Form 6. I believe and admit that the syllabus is not really a burden for me, but the environment sent me into a spiral of losing control over myself, seeking for demons to release the unwarranted stress cast upon me.
Comparing, I know comparison is the thief of joy but it is a catalyst to improving myself. Comparing me now versus the me a year and a half back, I reckoned that the old me is better at coping with new things and learning to handle stuffs, but the me now just have the ‘fuck it’ attitude every time I see a sticky situation, it is more like a lackadaisical attitude which out of nowhere I got it after I entered Form 6.
I have to let the bygones be bygones or else I could not proceed with my life. I realise that I have wasted more than a year, dwelling in the arms of the devil, swimming in comfort and conformity, lazing around like a lazy-ass, not treasuring time as I did last time. Simply, I can throw away hours of my life to watch superfluous Youtube videos, not for entertainment but just for killing time, fucking ironic.
The moments after I entered Form 6, I should have realised that it is the wrong choice and yet I still persisted, like a fucking bull without any brains nor sense of direction. I just wanted to live up to other people’s expectations or whatever that enduring Form 6 means that you are someone macho or something. (probably yes, because the school literally squeezes the life force out of your very soul, no joke, it is the school, not the syllabus). If I could be private student for Form 6, it would be a better choice. Silly me, stop thinking about the past that could not be altered.
Looking back more, the old me got along with all the people that I meet at work, nothing really pissed me off or made me irritated. But, in this fucking Form 6 school, like fuck, the people that I met made me and my soul toxic and everything just turned darker from that point onward, I got into fights with teachers and some students, just overall a bad track record of dealing with a certain number of assholes. Until now, I could only remember the fights that I had with at Form 6, nothing from the past, zero, nada.
I am still angry with myself. I still cannot get over with my feelings. I am still the fucking crazy motherfucker. I am suppressed of my creativity. And only I am the one to blame, not other people. You can say that this is sarcasm and all those bullshit but I must say, something went wrong somewhere at some time after entering Form 6, probably I fucked myself up too hard and went like a madman with myself which indirectly transformed me into this fucking pile of shit slouching on my laurels.
Call me lazy, call me arrogant, call me a motherfucker, I do not give a shit.
Fuck this shit, this is fucking driving me crazy. I need a fucking change.
A change. From God.
I asked myself, Am I tired being like this? Yes. And I want a change.
Stop doing this to yourself.
When you fall down, just climb up, like those other times. After a year or so, I woke up, ranting every thing in this piece, I shall not have any negativity inside me anymore. I hate the feeling of hopelessness and abject submission. I can never take this kind of shit anymore.
Get up. Get the fuck up!
Enough. Just make sure you are doing you when it comes to the days to come. Just a few more days, you are going to be back to the old me, make sure that you make the best out of it. Do not bow down to the things that bring you down, launch them up with your strength and positivity.
That’s about it, until next time.