prying open the deepest ends of my heart,

there was nothing more to be expected,

everything was emptied out of me

a year or so ago, when things started to get awry.

i have been in this constant state of

misery, pain, fear, cowardice, foolishness.

i am mired in the cesspool from hell,

i need to get out

i have to wake up.

consistency, maturity, far-seeing, wisdom,

all of those are gone, for now.

all that is left are the broken pieces

desperately needing for a fix,

an amendment of a dismantled soul

where the parts are no longer usable.

my voice, my thoughts, my body

are distorted, fragmented and dreaded.

i want a change

i yearn for it for months

and…

nothing much had happened

because

the change must start from me, alone.

i need to overcome myself

i need to defeat the vices in me

only me can stop me

no one else.

if there is so, it must only be God.

i have God and me

fighting this uphill battle

lacerated, scarred, murdered

several times by the devil,

i am still

feeling the pain

the wrenching, grueling beating

i must be still

as He will deliver His promise.

i need to be prepared

i must be

changed.

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