prying open the deepest ends of my heart,
there was nothing more to be expected,
everything was emptied out of me
a year or so ago, when things started to get awry.
i have been in this constant state of
misery, pain, fear, cowardice, foolishness.
i am mired in the cesspool from hell,
i need to get out
i have to wake up.
consistency, maturity, far-seeing, wisdom,
all of those are gone, for now.
all that is left are the broken pieces
desperately needing for a fix,
an amendment of a dismantled soul
where the parts are no longer usable.
my voice, my thoughts, my body
are distorted, fragmented and dreaded.
i want a change
i yearn for it for months
nothing much had happened
the change must start from me, alone.
i need to overcome myself
i need to defeat the vices in me
only me can stop me
no one else.
if there is so, it must only be God.
i have God and me
fighting this uphill battle
lacerated, scarred, murdered
several times by the devil,
i am still
feeling the pain
the wrenching, grueling beating
i must be still
as He will deliver His promise.
i need to be prepared
i must be