re: sense five #25

towering concrete jungles,

minute hindrances,

cycling through habits,

indulgence peaking,

i am here,

in the midst

of this, mess.

i just woke up

from the conformity,

i want to break away

from the mass.

not realising

how difficult this is.

tearing away a part

of my flesh

is painful

almost un-do-able.

it is not impossible,

it is just impossible.

fading in and out,

treading upon the thin line

of waking up

and falling back to slumber.

my body is not accustomed

to change,

it yearns for simplicity

in the beauty of not changing,

it wants to be

resting on its laurels.

i do not want,

my mind is yet strong enough,

my mind could not take control

over my body.

so,

my body is in charge

most of the times,

i fail to control myself,

instructing myself to sleep

when i am tired,

i watch Youtube instead,

for three straight hours;

pushing myself to exercise

even when i do not want to,

i watch Youtube instead,

for another period of time;

doing some reading

when i want to be lazy,

i watch Youtube instead.

this is the constant that i have

every single day,

every single hour,

every single second,

the temptation is so strong

that i could not contain myself

i just let myself

roam freely

without any form of discipline

like a wild animal

just not having the control

that only humans have,

civilised humans.

once i take out my books,

my phone will be sucking my hands,

pulling my heart to it.

once i want to do something productive,

my phone will be counter-productive,

tempting me to lift it up,

for just one more time.

i could not help it.

i battle it day and night.

i cannot hide from this.

i have to face it,

the temptation,

the monster inside me,

the demon, me.

i can beat it,

some times.

i can control myself,

some times.

but,

i want out

of this circle of conformity,

the only thing i can do

is to persevere

knowing that

if i kept doing

what i feel

is right,

after deep cogitation,

i will be able to pull this off.

Dear God,
I want to get out of this,
Conformity
Where everyone is
Mingling with my inner demons,
I want to be free
From the temptations
Grant me self-control,
Consistent self-control,
An unstoppable perseverance.

Amen.

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Fall, Hard. #24
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define catharsis #22
catharsis reasoning #21
catharsis vision 20#20
re: question #19
re: addicted #18