Sleepless nights, endless stars. Incessantly flowing, a hindrance to my well-deserved rest for the day. The commentaries were akin to roller-coaster rides inside my head, I ran them through as many times as the stars there were in the skies, reiterating, learning from those incidents, overthinking about them.
Acting was never an easy job, it consisted of biting the bullet when facing the ‘faces’ of the directors, being a green-eyed monster about how other actors or actresses were better looking than me (because this industry was shifting into a state where your looks matter more than your acting skills), and getting to know how dark this industry can be, at times.
These were the things that kept me up at night, I knew I should shut off for the night, my body was craving for that sleep but my conscience kept giving me tough times into falling asleep. I just wanted to shut everything out and live in a bubble of temporal silence, letting the counting sheep lead me to a beautiful rest.
An hour in, 4 in the morning, the clock in front of me ticked.
My mind was still active. I… Everything was frozen in time, I was in my bed, nothingness overwhelmed me. My state of mind was empty, nothing really mattered at that moment. It was pure bliss.
Only a second after, I realised I forgotten how to breathe, no air was coming into my system, my ventilation system somehow broke down, probably due to the sheer amount of stress. I gasped for air, for help, but nothing came out of my mouth, I was short of breath and I fail to take in any more.
Pushed myself off the bed, Thump. My heart was not beating neither, my breath was running out. Eventually, I could not even move a muscle.
Suffocating, in the wee hours of the day, I could not tell anymore. I just laid there, let fate sort this out. A burst of images coruscated across my mind, those relationships that I abandoned, the love that I ignored, His grace that I turned away from, everything came to mind, I felt better, I breathed again.
“What?” I crunched my head hard, got up forcefully, facing the four walls, re-thinking about my purpose of life, realising that something was missing. A mission was set in me, to search for it, to get it, in order to be me, again.