Days, weeks, months passed. The void that I was living in was simply too good to be true, I could not even imagine what it was like outside, anymore. I just wanted to rest on my laurels, wait for things to fall into place for me, stop being me, anymore.
Letting everything go, including my very self, into the black box. Yes… It is meaningless to even make a move or even thinking about it. I did not answer. I relished upon the nothingness.
The inner me was relentless, he was praying, silently, loudly to Him. Praying for restoration and a resurrection of the old me. I did not give a damn. The inner me wanted to save me, but I did not want to be saved.
I was obstinate. I did not want to get out, back into the world that I used to live in, the endless possibilities, the vast uncharted land that was beyond my imagination, the adrenaline that was fueled by the unexpectedness. I was scared.
A beam of light coruscated into my still-closed eyes, jabbing right straight into my mind, giving me a glimpse of my future if I got out. It was awesome, fantastic. I was able to fulfill my dreams that I had, last time. It was joyous, happy. I pried open my eyes, realising that I was in an infinite quicksand, that only my head was above it.
I could not move. I could not see. I could shout, but no voice came out.
“help me.” meekly, I croaked as tears beaded down my chin.
“help me.” I pleaded, in desperation. My life was ending right in front of me.
“help me.” hopes were dissipating, my head was sinking deeper, and deeper. Only my nose was up, gasping for air. My mouth, my eyes and my face were covered in sand. Breathing desperately, suffocating finally.
I could not move, at all. Struggling to no avail.
help me. help me. help me. help me. help me. I repeated, faithfully as I believed in Him that all things can be done, even the impossible can be made possible. help me. help me. help me. I resumed, shouting out loud inside my mind, begging for mercy and grace.
“Praise me with your mouth.” the voice from above had sounded.
I knew it was do or die, I had to go for broke even if I lose myself.
“Lord, save me.” simple does it.
Sand started to pour into my system, I was starting to doubt myself for opening my mouth, coarse and dry. “Lord, gi… save me!” my lungs torn open, cancelling my dubious thoughts, trusting Him wholly, without a shed of doubt.
Uttering a silent prayer under my breath of sand, I could breathe again. The sand dissipated into thin air. I was thrown back down to the cold hard ground, cross-legged, ruminating about the state that I was in, reflecting about what I had brought to myself.
I broke down, tears flowed down like a broken faucet, gushing out of my system, mourning for the time that I had lost, and the fact that I nearly lost myself.
I sang praises to Him, “I am Yours, forever Yours.” I am grateful to Him, forever more. Humans really do not believe in God until the point that death is on their way.
Raising my hands, ready to be saved.
The light at the end of the tunnel was ever resplendent. I could see light, again, crystal clear. There was no doubt that I was seeing light in the dark. I am believing in Him again, and never letting go, never.
Gripping onto the gossamer thread of hope that was keeping me still, I persevered through the course of the remaining time that I had left. Fighting, wrestling, struggling against the darkness, I knew time was coming to an end that the darkness was about time to leave my sight. I could not bear it any longer.
Time and tide brought me to the end of the tunnel where the light was glowing at its brightest. I stretched out my defeated arms, hoping to be picked up by His grace and steered right back on track with life.
This was a grueling training for me, I was able to encounter with the darkest side of me, enduring all the darkness that was surrounding me, and put up a bad fight in this uphill battle. I had to put up with all of this shit, just to re-learn faith and hope, through one of the hardest way ever possible.
The path that I had chosen was undulated, painful, inundated with darkness. I could barely even have a sense of me, hope. That was how abysmal it was.
Nonetheless, everything is back to normal. I am outside again, after a year or so. I know I am way behind everyone else, I know I can cope with more pressure and everything, I should push myself harder than ever. This path taught me how to surmount depression. I must use this to my advantage.
I am in the light.
Previously: Black Box #two