My heart was pounding anxiously against my chest, I was sweating profusely although it was the winter. Quivering, shaking, I needed to calm myself down, or else screwing up would be premeditated. I stood singularly in front of her door, one hand holding the roll of paper that was a portrait of her that I worked for a month or so, another hand preparing to knock on her door.
Millions of possibilities flitted across my head, I tried to stop them from flowing but to no avail. “Calm down,” I convinced myself under my breath, “she is just a girl, nothing to be afraid of.” That did not help at all. I uttered a short and simple prayer, and knocked.
The door flung open almost immediately, is she waiting for me all along? Or is it just a coincidence that she is at the door? I was overthinking this. “Hi, Ryan.” My breath was cut off by her wondrous gaze, she was taller than me by half a head, her attractive demeanor struck me. “What do you have for me?” Her sweet distinct voice kept my heels on high.
I just stood there, stuttered, “Hi, Hsiao…this…” my mind was blank, I could not think of words as her beauty, her presence was all that I craved for. My hand moved based on my instinct, outstretched with the portrait into her direction. She took it, I kept avoiding her eyes, I could not help it. Love was so hard for me, my self-esteem hit rock bottom when it came to this facet of life, I loved to blame me, but could not learn to love.
What are you doing? Show to her how you really feel! I urged myself, feeling the abject submission at heart, losing myself in her beauty, pulling myself together in an imaginary concoction of anxiety. “Hsiao…”
“Thank you, Ryan.” she told me as she glanced into the portrait that I gave her. It was uncanny. The atmosphere around me reverted back to the cold hard winter. I looked away again, bashfully, both of us. Brief seconds passed us by, we were in an awkward situation created by me, I could not think of any way to fix this.
Bam! Something fell, she looked back, “I need to attend to it.” She said coldly, we bade each other goodbye. I sensed that there was a paper crumbling sound as she shut the door. I turned away, with another failure inside my pocket, tugged both my hands in them, sheepishly walked away with zero expectations into the cold, cold day.