This year had been a tough one, a roller-coaster ride, a roundelay, a nightmare, an awakening. I had not been productive at all, throughout the years of my life, this had been the most unproductive year of them all. Not only that, I also faced depression face to face. But, I always know that God is with me, all the time, this year has gotten me closer to God, more than ever before, always forevermore.
January was the start of my 2nd semester in STPM, I had fallen into a spiral of mobile gaming and excessive binge-watching of Youtube, my sleeping schedule was way off, I was losing my path of life as I was living through. But, I broke the seal of calligraphy, I took up this art once more, doing it weekly as a hobby.
February was where addiction set foot in my life, I was aware of what I was doing, I knew the temptations that was surrounding me, and yet I chose to witness myself go deeper into the depths of hell. School was killing me, I ate a lot, I slept very less, I was on my phone all the time watching Youtube, I wrote very less. Despite of all the negativity, there was something good that happened- I got to give a Japanese principal my work of calligraphy, definitely a highlight.
Stress and depression were hinting in my writings, I stayed by God.
March was hell of a mess created by me, I single-handed severed a friendship by my idiocy and harshness, my words did devastate myself. I had violated a status quo on my blog. My creativity had taken a plunge. I was getting more and more tired, physically, mentally.
April was a recuperation period for myself, from the people, from me, from my life. I was getting slower, deteriorating from school, from work, from life. Gung-ho about the election that might probably change the future of Malaysia. Addiction got the upper-hand of my life. Getting more and more tired.
May was a change for the nation, I am proud to call myself a Malaysian (always has been, just that now even prouder) as Pakatan Harapan won the General Election, it is ethereal. Tun M- our 4th Prime Minister- once again, have to take up the gauntlet to lead Malaysia back to its track again by becoming the 7th Prime Minister, changing Malaysia.
I finished the best anime that I have ever watched- Death Note– inspiring. I rebutted against a teacher verbally because I had had enough of his mental torture. I experienced the worst nightmare that could ever happen, I fell sick, really sick before the days of my exams, but I was still able to climb out of my sickness and sit for the exams. Throughout these months, God has been always by my side, leading me through the depths of hell. My heart was tired, my heart was falling in my many ways.
God is with me and Malaysia, always.
July, a minor toe surgery. My creativity officially died away. Realising that my writing had been circling about the theme of sadness, depression and negativity- abject submission to life. Gradually, depression was revealing itself to me. I was incapable of pulling myself out of addiction.
August, I started to realise that the choices that I had made for myself was bad, the damage that was inflicted on me was beyond repair. Watched the game-play of Detroit- Become Human, very nice. I went to Port Dickson with my highschool friends. The darkest side of me finally showed its ugly face to me. Went to Putrajaya to celebrate a new independence.
September, I lost myself. I did not know what was I doing with my life, I did consider suicide at a point, but I was saved by the grace of God. Thank God! (nonetheless, thank you Bacon for inviting me for the Encounter session with God, you have always been there when I was at my lowest point of life.) I was resurrected from the dead.
October, working with a team less than 10 to produce a magazine, I did about 60 percent of the editing job. I got into a fight with another teacher, a mental burden. Youtube was getting more and more prevalent in my life.
God is with me, always.
November, a month of silence for me to rewind myself back to the old me after defeating depression. Written the best post on my blog- MY FORM 6 EXPERIENCE: A PAIN AND A GAIN IN VAIN. (STPM)– the purpose of this post is to pour out, to illustrate my feelings about the year and a half that I had chosen and wasted. Remediating my life by asking for help from Ying. (she mentioned to give her a shout-out, so here it is.)
December, Good riddance STPM (Form 6). Completed the school magazine.
Not to mention the number of times I was ill this year, around about 7 or 8 times.
Back to work. Rejuvenated. Exciting. I am alive again. I ran 5 days per week. This is the life that I want to live. This is how it is to be alive again.
Truly realising that I had wasted a whole year and a half, but in this period of time, I have gotten even closer to God, and re-realising that He is always by my side, never giving me up even I am a wretch. Understanding why He put me through all of these, from Nazareth to Bethlehem, the manger is enough.
Always has been the word in my list of banned words, but for this occasion, I felt that always is the most suitable title for this year.
Hope. Joy.. Feelings cloaked as words.
How is your 2018? Summarise it in a word and leave a comment down below!