Sprawling across the field covered in sweat as the sun dipped into the horizon, contouring the skies in a russet gold that illuminated the limelight of the dawn. I was exhausted, lethargic and wearied, wasted by the greed inside me, I thought I could do more, and my body did not reciprocate well, I was greeted with physical peril instead- more like a shadow hand engulfing me totally.
The gentle breeze of the impending darkness kissed my cheeks as I took a brief shut-eye for my system was craving for the reset. Vivid images coruscated through the eyes of my mind as I consciously witness my dreams played out inside my head, eventually dissipating into thin air that I was breathing.
Heaving heavily from the uncanny imagery in my head, I caught my breath frantically and scrambled to my feet. 5 km. My phone read as I noticed that half an hour had passed in my repose. I mus… My mind went blank like a bolt from the blue, losing balance, collapsing once again to the ground.
This… this is…
“Look at the people who can do more than you.”
“They are humans too.”
I should take more control over my life. I can do this. I must be able to do this. Convincing my mind that I can do this.
How much more…
There are people who can work for 12 hours efficiently, sleep for 6 full hours, and have a 2-hour gym session every single day; there are people who can work 24 hours without losing their minds; there are people who can find the balance between work and life; there are people who are living their dreams; there are people who work 24/7 because of their conditions; there are people who work out of desperation; there are people who can do a million things and be successful with most of them; there are people who bust their ass off just to earn themselves a better living.
There are people who can work for 12 hours inefficiently, sleep for 3 hours, and waste the rest of their time on social media every single day; there are people who can be online doing next to nothing for 24 hours straight; there are people who can find solace on the internet; there are people who are living in a pixelated world; there are people who scroll through their phones for 24/7 because of their conditions; there are people who waste time out of desperation; there are people who can scroll a million miles and failing to interact with most of them; there are people who bust their ass off just to scroll through more of the seamless square boxes that they live in.
“I want to be more.” I lied to myself, every single day. The first few weeks were utter bullshit, and yet I still lied to myself that I would be more.
What do I mean by that? Is that just mere speculation? Is that merely just a fucking lie?
“I can do, now.” breathed under my breath, “All I need is to believe.”