Here I am again, rambling through the frugality of the keyboard, drumming my thoughts and mind into the pixelated screen, letting them out to the world. I am never good with time and I want to change that- I want to be good with time- there are just way too many distractions at hand, especially the one thing that I take along with me, my freaking phone.

My workload is becoming something mountainous, something that is out of my perception, I did not imagine this can become something so intense. Pausing and looking back to the past, albeit the workload is fourfold (honestly, I do not know how much folds it is compared to last time), but the mental burden is near to nothing, I just could not focus much on the work alone and I could not make time for those additional stuffs.

Do not get me wrong, I am not unhappy with the situation that I am in now, but the opposite, I felt elated to have so many things to do and accomplish in this small frame of time given by myself and the people around me. The start of the year had been a full-throttle for me. Once it reached the Chinese New Year break, I had forgotten how tired I was, physically. I did not even have enough energy to muster to go for a run; to write a blog post; to read; to do the things that I usually do.

I feel that it is not entirely human to be doing these feats, but I am capable of doing so, it is just that I am still unclear about myself, unsure about my plans, me. The things that I can do are way more than what I am doing now. I feel like I am still under-using my capabilities to their full extent.

Blah. blah. blah.

Just admit it, I am fucking lazy.

Yes, I do not disagree with that. I can find some way to procrastinate even the deadline is tomorrow. I just lose the will to do stuffs whenever I do not feel like it. This is not a good behaviour and I need to change that too. I would rather spend an hour browsing through the social media than to do more reading with that precious time or just being productive, because I am finding too much excuses for myself.

Excuses. Excuses. And more excuses.

The worst case is I can find myself ample excuses to other things when I spend less than half of the time per day to actually do the things I want to do.

Am I still not clear with my dreams?

Why is it when I can’t understand certain things, I can’t just trust God to push through?

On the surface, I can be gung-ho as fuck for the things that I am doing. But deep inside me, I am doubting myself, my abilities, and myself. I am lost whenever coming to doing the things I like. Peculiar, right? I do not know for myself. I do not know how to express the behaviour that I have and acquired through the years. I did not have this.

Stop bitching, it would not solve anything.

Find a fucking solution, a panacea.

I think I know…

Stop coming up with conjectures, start doing shit about it. Over-preparing oneself for life is never a shortcoming, but doing nothing instead is.

Focus.

Visualise.

Clearly.

Do. Not. Get. Distracted.

That is why I do not drink alcohol; that is why I should stop using my phone excessively for entertainment.

I am burning a candle at both ends without even realising it. If I really want so much of a social media life, I should have stopped working and concentrate my full focus on my freaking phone which sounds implausible but felt, literally, palpable, possible and comfortable. This is so wrong that it felt right to do so. I had been through this phase of life and I wanted to get out of it so badly. The adage- fire is a good servant but a bad master, same goes to my relationship with my phone and the things that I do to waste time in general.

Burning both ends of the candle does not make you shine brighter, it just makes you look more idiotic.

Wake the fuck up.

Craving for more? Down below:
slipping into conformity.
End Of The Line?
Ornaments
what we talk about when we talk about love by Raymond Carver (Book Review)
waiting for peach blossoms to bloom.
the quality of Being
shattered, tattered

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