Life is not easy, especially if you want everything in your life. Things will start to fall apart, shattering into a million pieces even before you start to realise. Spiraling into a loop from hell, I began to see that how deep a hole that I had fallen into and yet to recover from.

For the past few weeks, I disregarded my dream to be someone whose words would be promulgated throughout the world as I zeroed in too much into garnering money, my mind could not afford to spend either time or money into writing for my blog which literally generates close to zero dollars (for the matter of fact, I only earned $0.54 throughout last four months).

I have lost the passion to write. I am not afraid to admit it. It just happened like this, without me realising, it felt like a snap, but no, it is accrued from the things that I had done for these past few months. I reckoned that it started around December as I decided to bust my ass off for my company, and that burned the living shit out of me. Although my mind did not feel like it, but my body and soul are feeling the aftermaths of those times now.

Sometimes I even wonder, is this how every single one of us are living our lives? I mean it is not wrong to assume that statement as I am also a fellow human. But why am I feeling this? Am I doing something wrong here? Am I that feeble of a soul to receive even the faintest blow from life? Is my endurance that limited?

Am I that weak?

This is one of the voices among the million others that were convincing me to rest, repose and laze around the internet while waiting for the next day of work began inadvertently with a concerted effort.

To be honest, I am fucking tired, like a burned-out situation, I just do not want to do any shit in between the times when I am not at work.

I slipped deeper into comfort than the previous time. I just wanted to do things that are easy to me, I failed to sense the fact that I need to work harder every single time because if one is standing in the midst of a progressive world, one will be pushed back by progress, rather than staying at point, one will digress, as much as one will barely even realise it.

The voices in me are sweet talking me into dropping running, sleeping, blogging and doing extra work. I was not like this. But I am now. Humans are very realistic, when we feel comfort, we have the propensity to linger around it longer than we had intended to. Here lies a perfect example.

I always said that it is time to get the fuck out of my comfort zone. But, it just never happens, not even once.

just one more video, i just do not feel like going to bed.

just one more scroll, i just want to escape into updating myself with distractions.

just one more video, i just…

i do not really know anymore. i think i am lost again, this time is the worst, i am even lost compared to the last time. even though i do not feel like i am lost, i am quite happy with what i am doing now, but it is just this queasy feeling of uncertainty.

this is just a hunch. but definitely, my intuition is wrong partially, maybe there are some points that i should take note of, i should really cut down on the temptations that i indulge into, and keep looking forward in empowering myself by not wasting any more time.

i do not have much time. this is the fact that i know deep down in my heart. it is not the fact that i am dying but the fact that i want to accomplish this many things in this little time.

sometimes, 24 hours is not enough for me anymore.

then find a way to make it enough. stop falling into conformity.

you are better than this.

i am better than this.

God, please help me pull through this period of time, once again. I pray to you, pleading for your guidance and grace, as I did before. Although I might seem not sincere, but at least it is a start where I begin to act as if I am with God. Love is a verb, it is an act to be acted by me. I need Your help to get me back to Your side again.

Amen.

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Craving for more? Down below:
nothing more than a choice
“align me, i want to fly.”
dancing with the shadows.
love so simple
The Chemist by Stephenie Meyer (Book Review)
burning a candle at both ends.
slipping into conformity.

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