My mind was as hollow as it seemed, I was limping forwards, into the direction of nonentity, chasing blindly whilst catching my breath frantically. I was gripping tightly, desperately to the plastic crutches supporting my ability to walk, putting myself to the front with the least amount of energy possible.

Weariness overwhelmed me gradually, in eventuality. I want out… I thought. Out of this misery… My grip grew tighter, grasping harder to the plastic support of my will for me to keep moving forward.

There were noises around me, but they waned away into non-existent as I covered more ground with my whimsical steps. I reckoned the noises were gone for good. However, the voices of temptations inside me grew wilder accompanied by the tumultuous roar of comfort and laziness.

I was getting too much; I was doing too much; I was giving too much with the least probable effort. These actions made me less ambitious, in another words, lazy. I clung unto the plastic support, a little too much, I wanted to travel more with those crutches, I craved for more- comfort, staleness, sleep.

The temptation to keep moving with those crutches grew rampant, overtaking my control from a bigger picture. I was dehumanized by the supports given, I was not the past me who used both my legs and my perfectly blessed physique to walk. Over-reliance to the substance at hand was indeed detrimental, besetting my mind with laziness to ever walk myself again.

It was too much.

I slumped to the ground, crying out against the cold hard ground, reaching out to God from above. A surge of new-found energy cruised through my veins, pumping hot blood throughout my system, breathing a new heart into my very soul. I wanted to get up, my mind could but my body could not. Nevertheless, I got up, with one crutch broken apart and tossed afar, another still supporting me.

Moving just got more difficult for me as I relied so much on those crutches before that I did not know how to walk myself. It was a distant memory, but fortunately still laced in the DNA of my muscles. The surroundings did not bother much, it never did. I pulled myself together as quick as possible.

Clank… clank… I was feeling heavier. Clank… clank… I had a premonition of a vicious past. Clank… clank… clank… It was the enemy once again, I let it reign in me as I was in oblivion previously.

There were chains all around me. Strapped to each of my limbs. One of it was attached to my throat, clasping against my will to breathe. I was struggling. Death was loitering by the corner of my conscience. I knew if I did not deal with these bondage, I would be done for.

What for? Why are you doing this? Why do you even execute this stupid idea in the first place? If you were still in those crutches, you would not even have to experience this? Self-blaming, depreciation. Lovely.

I did not know what to do. I did not know what to trust anymore. Not even Him.

I just let things ran its course, driving me up against a wall, spiked. Lacerating every inch of my skin, blood was gushing out of my system. The worse thing was, I did not feel any pain, I could not.

Actions were to no avail. My thoughts were in a peaceful asunder state. I did not know what I did not know, as to what to feel or do at this point of my life. I should have picked up the crutches once more, attempt to walk with them once more.

no.

A meek voice sounded from within, amongst the deluge of noises in my head.

trust Him.

“egeirō”

My heart followed, obediently.

I knew deeply, if I were not to, I would have no future to live for, I would not even breathe again.

Crawling, pawing through the undulating pavement of life, I was learning how to get up, again.

180519

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Too Good To Be True
Selling Away My Birthright.
battles, distortions, me.