Wondering what life would be if I were to put down all my temptations, deflect all my poisons and working my ass off for the betterment of myself as I scrolled through the pixelated reality that reflected the empty windows through my very soul. I looked at my bare reflection of the dark screen as the video was buffering, I was sucked out, my will to strive for excellence was bitter as if I was lost in the labyrinth made from my consciously misguided efforts and choices.

My gaze shifted back to the video streaming on Youtube in the pixelated reality that I was indulging in. Neglecting my presence, submissively succumbed to the stigmatized world. I did not want to think much, I just became too lazy to get up again and move around. I would rather sit down and let the pixelated reality to take the wheel and steer me straight into oblivion- people like to call it the dark place.

Scanning around my surroundings, my eyes did not have enough care to search for the hope that was outside. That was what I thought. I should take a look inside me, take some time to reflect upon my very soul. My heart just could not even stand seeing myself at this wretched state anymore. My instincts, my body just wanted a cool life without any much to think about anymore for whatsoever reason.

Something was trapped inside me, still is. I tried to suffocate it; I tried to silence it; I tried drown it; I tried it all on myself, hoping the poison would die. In the end, I murdered myself, letting the poison roam freely in my hollowed body shell. I did not die, I was murdered, I tried again. This time, I befriended the poison- the devil- it was to no avail as well. The situation just worsened, from worst to worse. I knew nothing, I had no control over me, I just let my body do its will.

Striking back the poison was no good as well as making it as my friend. I reckoned that nothing else more can be done. The old me- the one that still had hope and dreams- was gone, for good, for bad, for ever.

Haha… I chuckled, soullessly. Fucking irony. How much have I underestimated life itself. This was my voice, my true voice, that spoke out of the blue after for God knows how long.

Think about it, how long do you still have. A pause. To live? Mindlessly, my mind drifted into another realm of imagination. I was surprised that mine still worked after laying dormant for so long. The images vividly flew through my peripherals, I could not care much anymore.

If this were one-third of my life, I still would have 40 years to life for. But, I could still die any moment.

I heard that life’s too short, don’t let it pass you by
We waste a lot of time crying over wasted time
It’s not about what people think, it’s how you feel inside
My biggest failures in life are knowing I never tried

NF spoke right into my soul, God too.

The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
Even though I walk
through the darkest valley,
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.

– Psalms 23

I knew nothing more than this. Fear started to creep into my very soul. I am scared for the very first time after a long time. It is about time I start to worry about what I want for life and contemplate about life. I mean this is life. I just have to bear with it and live it out, loud.

The point I’m makin’ is the mind is a powerful place
And what you feed it can affect you in a powerful way
It’s pretty cool, right? Yeah, but it’s not always safe
Just hang with me, this’ll only take a moment, okay?

I want to. God, help me. I want to live, again. Let me feel again.

Craving for more? Down below:
the dilemma of social media

“Let There Be Light.”
Breaking Chains, Breaking Crutches.
Psycho-Pass (Anime Review)
even the rocks will cry out
a million times
a million pieces

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