I woke up in a pitch black place, cloaked in a patient robe, shone by a spotlight, boundless. I got up almost immediately from my spot. My body was perfectly alright. An image of me sprang in front of me like a giant screen glaring down on my puny existence. The image was static. Nothing was happening. Time was still running normally in my mindset.
I ran, I jumped, I stomped. No reaction. I realised then I was trapped in solitary confinement in my own head as the window to the outside world. I was unable to create, to mark or to send a signal or whatsoever, it was way worse than solitary confinement.
It was pure nothingness except for my cacophony of thoughts.
This cannot be happening. I thought to myself. They are fucking geniuses. Hands down. I sat down in defeat, heaving a deep breath.
“So, I’m gonna be here for quite some time.” no response. They were either idle or still reading into my thoughts at the very moment.
I opted to meditate but as I tried to close my eyes, they were immediately reverted to the awakened state that I had been. Breathing methods, all those knick knacks that would quicken time for a long period of time. Nothing worked.
God help me. “GOD HELP ME!” I shouted at the top of my lungs, welcoming a breakdown that was warranted. I went on and on, my voice kept going, I was never tired. Eventually, the void of nothingness became prominent in my very mind, I felt a hole bored into the fabric of my existence, it was more painful than anything that I had experience.
No blood, no scars, just the pain of solitude- the hollowed heart. I slumped back down at my initial condition. No food, no water, just air- the stale existence of nothingness. I knelt down unto the baseless ground, thinking of nothing, merely just existing.
Fuck me. Fuck this life. Why am i still clinging onto it? What is exactly reality? Why am I doing this? I just need to think about it and I can be free from this. I jus… Are you out of your mind? No matter what you do, you will still be killed. You have been an agent for ages and yet you let this thought wander into your head? Pathetic. Fucking disgraceful.
I planted my fingers into my head, tearing the subcutaneous cover of mine, nothing came out of it. There was no pain, no blood, nothing. I smashed my head against the baseless ground, just to send myself spiraling back into my initial position. My intuition used my tongue next, but it was empty, I bit nothing.
I tried to activate the tiny vial of cyanide hidden in my wisdom to end it all. It broke, my heart sprang into joy as I was about to end the nothingness swirling around me. The taste was weird but oddly familiar, it tasted like apple juice. Fuck! Fuck this shit! I burst into tears, regretting life, my existence and my very being.
“You sick fucks! Hide behind your fucking screens!” I shouted into the air, no response. “Fucking cowards!”
Nothing was worth doing anymore. It was worthless. Wasting my energy when there was none to be wasted. I drove myself up a mental barrier as I wrestled against solitude at its finest. I had tried and failed. I stopped, sat quietly and enjoyed the silence with nothingness as accompaniment.