i am slacking off.

Waking up to my biological clock, it was around 6 a.m. I picked up my phone, dropped it beside me and fell back into slumber. I had this going on for a couple of weeks, waking up and sleeping back in for an hour or so more. On the bright side, I managed to be conscious at this hour. I convinced myself that I had done enough.

It was 7.30 a.m. I had to take my drugs, Instagram and Youtube, whilst I had better things to do- running. The day was moody and about to rain, the petrichor permeated in the vicinity of my living area, it was more tempting to just sleep through the whole day. However, I mustered enough energy to get up. 8.15 a.m. my phone glared back into my hollowed expression. It’s too late to run, perhaps I just go to my faculty. I packed my stuffs and went to my faculty. Come to think about it, at least I got my ass to class earlier by an hour or so to do some reading.

My class would not start until 10 or 11-ish, I had time to solve some equations and add some new concepts into my head. It only last for an hour or so. I was not as quick as before. From time to time, I was told by myself and my friends that I am fast enough but in reality, I am not. But, nonetheless, I sucked it up in acceptance without questioning myself, I convinced myself that the effort and time spent was enough.

The classes were about 4 hours or so with a lunch break sandwiched in between. In those 4 hours, I could focus for around 1.5 hours, then my mind would wander around in the castles up in the air. Not so solid, but I still managed to convince myself that I was doing just fine.

Walking back to my dorm, I crashed straight into my fluffy bed. The rain started to pour with hints of comfort spread across the atmosphere. It was the perfect time to get some sleep. I did not even resist, I just let myself sleep till the cows come home.

After 1 or 2 hours, I crawled out of bed just to fall into another spiral of Instagram and Youtube, I watched nearly the same content for every single day. It was and is addictive.

7 p.m. Time flew. I did not care as much anymore. I was numb to losing time for time and time again. I was still on the drugs, falling uncontrollably into my own temptations, I cooked and enjoyed the emptiness of what I was doing for another hour or so.

It was 8.30 p.m. It was time to get some shit done. My body still had some conscience to be productive cultivated from my past. I dragged myself out of the fetal position that I was in, putting my head into learning and being productive. It only lasted for not more than 3 hours.

11.30 p.m. I once again spiralled into an unfettered cycle of videos on Youtube and Instagram. It was unhealthy yet addictive, an hour or so was burnt and I slept at around 12-ish. But, I convinced myself once again, at least I managed to sleep.

Comfort is one hell of an opponent, it numbs the living fuck out of me, until the burning fire inside me went off just like that. It is plausible to argue that my fire is not hot enough, but I kept finding excuses for myself to keep my fire low, like giving myself some ground by saying that I am just human.

This is not me, not the one that I imagined, and not the one that I am moulded into.

My productivity is at all-time low, I am taking my sweet-ass time to waste. I am not the me that could teach three classes, making notes for future use, doing copywriting for other companies, improving on what I have done, exercising, reading, writing blogs for every single day lasting for half a year or so. I was productive. Now, I do not even know if I still have half of my efficacy in check. I need to start redefining myself, making it clear for myself and my future.

For now, I am living by every step, which is definitely not my style at all. I am at halt with hitting big goals because I am content with whatever that I am having now. Not to mention I am slowing down big time, not just

Nope. This is not healthy for me in any way possible. I am stagnant at a moving escalator, I am bound to be pushed back to a state that I do not want but a human wants to conform to.

Oh God, help me clear up the mist of comfort and let me fly beside You once again.

I want to be better than me, every previous versions of me.

Craving for more? Down below:
Permanent Record by Edward Snowden (Book Review)
Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor E. Frankl (Book Review)
Falling at The Verge of Greatness.
New Breath
21 Lessons for the 21st Century by Yuval Noah Harari (Book Review)
The Question Is: You Want Or Not?
Intention

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Hope. Joy. Feelings cloaked as words.

6 thoughts on “i am slacking off.

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