I am addicted to watching Youtube. It has been more than 3 years since I never left the circle that Youtube created around me, I have been clocking in more than 3 hours of watch-time per day. Youtube videos are my escape points from pressure and reality itself, I never got the chance to realise about my addiction until it is too late.

Everything is just too late. I have wasted more than 4000 hours of my life, watching and re-watching repetitive content on Youtube. What I meant by that is I literally re-watched the same anime scenes over and over again without getting fed-up and also watching the same type of content for years, the same gaming content, the same strategy, the same everything.

Why and how am I like this? I honestly do not know the answer for that. Ever since I was young, I also had this habit of re-watching stuff. At the primary age of 8 or so, I watched and re-watched a movie named ‘Happy Ghost’ and another movie involving a food truck, I would watch them around 5 times per week, and still enjoying them. At the secondary age of 13 or so, I would indulge in ‘Kung Fu Panda’ and ‘Spongebob Squarepants’, it was the same habit, same shit all over again, I was still enjoying that life, a lot. At those points in time, I would consider that day to be fulfilling if I watched any of those shows for once or twice. In other words, I was happy when I just slumped at the couch and watched those shows, I felt as if I could do that for the rest of my life and be happy with it.

Now, I am stuck with the same old shit, again. Waking up to watch Pewdiepie and meme compilations, resting by watching gameplays of ‘Kings of Glory’, repeating that plus a little anime scenes during my free-time when I am supposed to get things done, and more of all of those added together before bedtime, sometimes dragging myself way past bedtime just to watch the same shit over and over again for every single day of my life for the past three years.

Sacrificing my sleep to do something so useless.

What in the world is wrong with me? How can I be so brain dead and stupid?

For the third time in my life, I still do not get how I got hook to the screen watching repetitive gameplay and the same old anime scenes. I still really do not get how my brain works- it is annoying and idiotic.

This is so stupid. This is fu…

There is no use blaming myself for doing this anymore. I have gone through this resolution, recovery and withdrawal cycle many times, and not long after I succumbed to the temptation of the addiction, I gave up on trying to stop myself from watching and re-watching my time being wasted away, just like that.

I hereby acknowledge that this is an addiction. Binge watching and re-watching the same types of videos are my addictions.

This is the last resort, I told myself, I am going to watch till my heart’s content. I handpicked 3 series to watch, about 80 episodes in total, averaging 30 minutes per episodes. For the past 3 days, I slept less than 8 hours just to watch the shit out of myself, and make my heart grow tired for this addiction.

After that marathon of re-watching videos, my body shut down completely for a few days, sleeping for more than 12 hours per day for the next 3 days. I am shocked and scared as to what is going to happen next. I believe the main reasons to me binge-watching is familiarity and comfort, I just like the same old shit over and over again.

Hopefully, my vision of importance will shift away from my addiction and acknowledge that living life by doing Maths is more important than anything else.

Hopefully, I can get rid of this addiction.

Hopefully…

*Whips out phone to watch Youtube whilst sitting on my thoughts.*

Why am I like that?

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