I have not written a post about my feelings in a long while, in a pure, raw and unedited manner. Seemingly these types of posts will look more like a fiasco of thoughts rather than an actual post. I feel that I need this type of purge from time to time in effort to clean up my insides- this is how I de-stress or let-out any bottled-up feelings. This post is meant only for my pure and raw feelings that I am feeling at this moment of penning this down, it is just an opinion of mine about how everything is happening and my feelings to them, no offence to anyone and no worries about my mental health- I am fine- I just want to get these thoughts out before they leave a scar in my head.

These past few months I feel like the world has been losing its grip on itself, and so as my world. I feel like I am going lost eventually. I wake up every morning, losing the once smouldering passion to work hard for my dreams to the dull conformity of life. I do not feel empowered anymore by myself, I feel like I am getting further away from my dreams and I surmise that however fast I can run, I still feel the shackles bounding tightly down my wrists and my legs. This is bad, this might be something precedented but I did not expect this to come so soon, I thought my reservoir of motivation would pull me through these four years but I am feeling I am losing those pure compassion to live life to its fullest and make every second count. This is barely the first year, and I am losing myself to normality, I became comfortable with normal, I was beaten down to normal, I no longer crave for the life that I lead in the past, striving with my life as if every tomorrow is the end of the day.

Normal is not bad, I mean this is the lifestyle that the majority leads.

Bagai kais pagi makan pagi, kais petang makan petang.

Just enough to survive and enjoy the little ‘highs’ that normal people crave. Leading a normal life is good, imagine just having to use minimal effort to fit into the society/community that you are placed into by ‘fate’, and slowly forgetting that you are conforming into a society that is built by the society itself.

I saw a tweet a while ago saying: we cannot go back to normal because the normal that we live in is precisely the problem. It hit me, not hard, but enough to make me realise how far I am straying from what my dreams were. I am numb to the feelings about losing my hopes and dreams at this point in life, I feel like chasing after these things are just bound to another despair of abject hopelessness and emptiness, and it is painful to feel these feelings. My body developed a ‘numbing’ system just to counter these feelings, making me disregard, feel indifferent about what my environment, my temptations, my actions are trying to rob from me.

My dream is to discover a formula that can benefit mankind. However, where I am now is far away from the dream. The formula I am talking about is not only bounded to what I am studying now- Maths, but also my words, or an education system, or something that can change the normal that we are living in now, revamp the the mindset that we have and make a change. It is so vague, I also feel kind of alone, lost, in this pursue of mine. I always get laughed at when I mention this as I know how difficult it is to bring change to everyone in this world, it is virtually impossible. But, I still hold true to this dream even until now and even until I die, even if me myself gave up on it, the inner me, the pure me would still find its way to make me realise or remind me that I have a dream- a hope to change.

To be honest, I am really not happy and satisfied with whatever environment that I am in. Although I am studying the subject that I wanted but I do not know how much worth the degree would be after I studied as I decide to go into the research route. The things that I am learning now are rather disappointing, almost belittling what I can do. The people and the environment that I am in is not as I expected, and not as good as the environment that I was previously in. (No offense) At this age (above 20), it is really difficult to make a break to whoever you are; if you are good, you are good for the about next decade or two, the same goes to if you are bad or if you are lazy, you can barely change who you are at this stage of life. You are going to be who you are for at least a decade or so, even if you decide to make a change to yourselves, you are going to see the slightest change in at least 5 years, it is because you already lived 20+ years of this kind of life, and changing a habit / lifestyle cultivated since you are born is going to take a long, long time. I mean there are still really extraordinary people that are burying their heads into what they are working on, just that they are difficult to find and extremely silent in this period of time because they literally have no time to give a shit or to make a noise or to talk about or to gossip or to give a damn about how the environment is moving around them, they just care about their work at hands and how close they are to their dreams. That is all that matter to them. These people’s motivation is very, very high, even if you throw them into an ‘unfavourable’ environment, they will work their asses off and find a way to get themselves back on track.

My point is, I am not purely driven by motivation itself, I am more of an environment driven person. If you throw me into an unfavourable environment with undesired circumstances, my dreams are going to die in any given moment, I always feel like I have little to no control over that the environment that I am in, it is just how I am brought up, it is just how Malaysia works, giving credit where credit is not due, it is just saddening. In addition, the environment that I am in can drive me up the wall, literally and figuratively, the walls of hell that is. I can go full swing toxic and be very negative, I had experienced this before in the past. However, I feel like this time, I coped with it better than the last, but I still feel the hopelessness that is inside me taking over me anytime, and I always get the feeling that I can be doing more. I even realised that I am half of what I am before, productivity wise, sometimes I felt even lower.

I get this frequently from my head, “If I can study at where I want, I can fly as high as the skies permit me.” “If I can go back in time and make risky decisions, I am going to live a life not lazing around but working my ass off every single second, and probably making a change in the education industry in Malaysia, or even the world.” “If I can…” There are so many ifs going around in my head for all these times, but I have to constantly remind myself the reality is that I am thrown out of the favourable environment into an unfavourable one, that is the stone hard reality smacked into my face.

I feel like God placed me here for a purpose- to boost up my ‘base’ stats. What I mean is that I can be over-reliant to the environment to make me move or literally just push me to where I should be. Often times, I do not move by my own accord, I move how the situation moves me. That is why I can feel like I hit my limits during those amazing days of working. I am too dependent to how the environment drives me. My ‘base’ stats is my own motivation, since I said I am too dependent on the environment, once I am thrown into an environment with low productivity and a vacation-like feel, I am literally lazing around, killing time as time permits me to do so. I am not being challenged enough to study hard by the current syllabus, I can understand Maths as it is presented to me here, it is just disappointing. Hence, here is me bitching about how the environment is affecting me drastically. I knew it will hit hard, but I do not expect that I will run out of motivation- my pure motivation to pursue my dreams- at this early stage of the studies.

Dear God,
I come to you, just as I am. I pray that you will renew me, my motivation in accordance to Your will and Your way. I am not doing my best to do so, I need your strength and wisdom to see past the chains of the environment has given me, I need Your vision to look past this obstacle, I need Your strength to work through this obstacle, I need You to be present when I am in this. I know that You placed me here for reasons that I can never fathom but I thank God for the opportunities that are presented before me, I thank You for Your loving grace and mercy that is constantly poured over me. Although I am not viewing things as it should be, but I pray that I have Your heart to guide my vision, my mind and my heart in the midst of my blindness. Open my eyes and my heart to Your almighty love. Rekindle my hopes and dreams. Thank you Jesus, all God children pray and ask.

Amen.

Hope. Joy.. Feelings cloaked as words.

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