It is the same thing everyday, the same shit that I have to deal with every single day. And yet, I do not get bored of fighting it. My mind and body sparred with it for a couple of years now, but nothing was more enjoyable than this, nothing was more gratifying than having to fight this. My soul shied away into the depths of my heart, coming out when I am in a pinch, and hiding away for most of the times.
The enemy that I am talking about is temptation itself, temptation has one of the best strategies in beating people down, financially, emotionally, mentally, physically or whatsoever facets of your life. Every now and then, I am met with the temptation to read one more tweet, or to look at another story on Instagram or just simply falling into the rabbit hole of Youtube. I have to push the temptation back every time but temptation is a monster which gets stronger each time you deny its dominance. If I can keep myself from watching Youtube for just a week, it would be very tiring for me to keep it up for the rest of my life because I have used up my mental capacity to combat temptation. It is a constant tug-of-war with an ever-growing pulling force.
It is simply inevitable in these days to prevent myself from doing all these because temptation is just everywhere. I have tried to get rid of it, but the next few days I utterly did not have any willpower to defy temptation, I literally just surrendered to temptation, letting it do whatever it wants to do to me. The worst thing is, my conscience would be apparent in some times when I am indulging in temptations, I would feel bad and helpless, watching myself losing to the darkness of temptation. It is just saddening.
I don’t know whether I can keep this up or not. I really don’t know anymore. I am just not desperate enough to chase my hopes and dreams. I am the kind of person where things need to get super dire and the situation turns into some sort of shitstorm, only then I know how to bust my ass and get shit done. But, for now, I think I am in a place where everything felt too comfortable and safe, I am not pushed to get anything nor I am challenged at all, I felt like I am alone walking in a pathway of darkness where not a single soul is walking with me. It is just me, me and me alone. I have God for sure, I know in God alone it is enough, but it is just too carefree, worry-free for me to be pushing myself forwards. Motivation, inspiration, aspiration, whatever kind of willpower I feel like it is a fiction when it comes to a situation where you feel alone.
Nothing is really challenging, nothing really matters, I just have to bite the bullet of my decisions and make it through this period of time. 4 years, and I am free.
What kind of mindset is this? Clearly this is not how you think. This is not you.
I am not me anymore. The past me has died in the midst of the hell-fire brought upon by a toxic environment.
You survived, right?
You are starting to play blaming again. Why not just take a step and focus more on building yourself in this period of time? You do feel inadequate if you are being put back into a pressing environment.
Yes, I do feel not enough. That’s why I quit and chosen this path. Indirectly by your will.
You knew it clearly and yet you still think like that for a year. You have just used almost a year’s time to get your head straight about what I have given you.
God, please grant me the strength to overcome the temptations in my life and grant me willpower to rediscover the burning compassion that I have in Maths and give me a never surrendering heart to do Maths. It is your call that I do it, please make sure that the temptations would be laid into your very hands.