The moon was overhung behind the clouds that poured incessantly, creating a relaxing ambience accompanied with a tinge of peace that was worth relishing. I climbed up from my insomnia and grabbed my phone. As the glaring 4.00 a.m. flashed into my retinas, I pulled myself back into bed and hoped for sleep in these fucked up quarantine weeks.
It was a hurdle for me to get to bed as per usual as the quarantine screwed up my sleep schedule hard. Almost every time I laid in bed, a deluge of thoughts filled my head, some times it was about improbable situations, other times it was about her. This time was no exception, it was about her again.
I am at the age where it’s time to have a girlfriend or whatnot, it feels almost natural to have the urge to want someone in my life- to love and to be loved by. The fact that I have not had anyone up until now hit me like a truck, making my mind into a state of frenzied panic- the kind of existential crisis.
Weird but needed, I pondered upon my past experiences and I thought about her the most and how I felt happy or at least understandable by her. I recalled the time that we spent together was a once in a lifetime experience, I knew it would take me a lot of time to be there with her and it would become difficult for both of us.
I should have spoken what I thought and felt about you during the last time we met in which I foolishly did not. In this present time, I deeply regret about not making the move. It was not about timing, it was a problem of integrity at that time, I pushed away the thought of further deepening into a probably non-existent relationship and put my integrity at risk. It was not timely at that time, and I do regret about it.
But still, I could never forget the one day that we spent together, venturing the concrete jungle together and had too much food together. It was blissful and it was one of the most wonderful day that ever happened in my entire life.
I did think about her a lot after that day.
Even until now, it remains as one of the most memorable moments that I ever had in my life. I want to write it in the present about how I wish that we would be lovers by the moon but it seems improbable at this stage. All I could do now is to stack a pillow against my head to discard the past and get some sleep.
If I were given the chance to turn back time, I would have told myself how probable the improbable might seem if I would devote myself into a relationship that is worth the sacrifice. I do know it sounds really weird for me to write about this, but I have to vent it out somewhere.
P.S. Hopefully the odds are not against me and she would somehow see this. A name that I would never forget to pronounce once I know it.