4 years. It has been four full years since I first started this blog. Look at how time flies, I just could not believe it. Looking back at the writings that I have written throughout the years, I felt rather, I did not know how to feel right now. The state of the blog now is as if it has reverted back to its nascent stages where I wrote very infrequently and sporadically, and it has become something rather insignificant to me.
To be honest, I have lost the strength to write quite a while ago, about a year. It has been rough for me, I am in an environment that is rather demotivating. I am devoting most of my strength and effort and the love for Maths to just keep my dream alive, just to survive, to float above the waters of conformity and indifference. I think I did not mention it before in my writings, but just to let you know that I am studying Maths in University Technology Malaysia and the feeling that I get from studying there is loneliness. There is a joke saying that you are too high that nobody is around you, I felt exactly that, my passion for Maths has been and always been very high, as long as it is Maths, I have the willingness to put the effort to understand it, regardless of the difficulty. But, the people around me are not, even the lecturers. That is why I have to use up my extra effort and strength to devote myself into Maths. Sometimes, I felt like being there is just a waste when I could be doing other things that I like with passionate people. However, I have made the decision and I just have to find a way to overcome this predicament. I did not expect doing what I love, chasing my dreams would be so dark and lonely. Perhaps I am not in the right place (which is beyond my control due to constitutional racism in Malaysian education). Since I could not change the condition that I am in, I have to put in extra effort and time in making sure that I do what I can and what I should to be better at Maths as my dreams are to discover a formula to benefit mankind.
I am sorry and thank you for those who have been reading my writings for these years. I really appreciate it. Although it is just one or two views at a time, I do think it is a lot. I am sorry that I have to forfeit most of my strengths here in the area of writing and to make it up to my dreams.
You might ask why I am so obstinate as to not change the environment that I am in, why not change my course to something similar? It is because those are not the things that I want to do and willing to do. Even if I do change it, I am one year into this course, it is slightly too late. So, I guess I have to this as another challenge and find some way to overcome it, quick. I know it does feel good to be the best amongst the not-so-good, but that is way below my standards that I have set for myself in the past. Looking back, I did really fall from grace. From a person who is known as a Maths guru to managing multiple jobs and studying at the same time to now: someone slouching over laziness, procrastination and wondering what’s for lunch everyday, what a fucking achievement. I think this is a good time to improve myself, solo style, since everything around me is nothing but normal. I have to get my shit together, fast, or else I am fucked, literally.
Life is like a sine curve.
I have had my fun and highs in the previous year. Naturally, now I am put to the test of life where no one, I mean not a single soul who is aligned with my dreams, no one is put in my way to help me. But, I am glad that I have built a firm foundation for Maths and God in my younger years.
Even though I walk through the darkest valley, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me. - Psalms 23:4
Normally it takes time for me to figure things out, like my current condition, I only realised it recently, during the lockdown when I have the time to think through the things that I have been doing ever since I entered university.
I have reflected upon them and finally have the strength to write them down.
For the future of my blog, I think I am turning more into Youtube form of presenting my stories, writing is just too demotivating at the moment (not enough views and traction), and people around me do not really like to read, so Youtube would be my go-to for the near future.
Here is my channel and below is the video I made for the 4th blogiversary.
It is nothing much but at least I feel like I am doing something for my side-passions- calligraphy and creative works.
However, I will still write, from time to time. Not just scripts that you see on my blog, but also content for the blog only. Something like this.
Once again, thank you for those who reads my writings, really appreciate it.
Hope. Joy.. Feelings cloaked as words.
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