It has been a while since I have written anything like this. This is a type of post where I talk about anything and everything that comes into my mind when typing, I am not deleting anything that I have typed and I want to keep this as pure as possible, until my laptop’s battery runs off. Also, this is one of the rarer times you would see me writing about life here.
Months has gone by and I did not put any effort in writing this blog, I think I did mention in one my videos or previous post that I do not really any hopes for this route anymore, but I save this route for me to express myself whenever I want in whatever form I want to. This is one of the places where I can talk about anything and everything without really thinking about the consequences, which I really should. But, I just want to vent things out a little so that I can keep on with whatever that I am doing. This is life, do not suck it all up and bottle the feelings up for a long time, it is unhealthy, let them flow as time flows.
I have been doing Youtube for quite a while now, a month or so. It is tiring, I have to admit. It is more tiring than daily blogging or any type of creative works that I have done in the past. This is because I am flying solo, from planning to shooting to editing, all I do, no one is helping me out, and I do not want anyone to help me out at this point in time. For quite a while, I knew I have some sort of talent in this creative industry but just did not have the time and guts to venture into it, but now I actually have the time to do so.
However, I am struggling to find balance in my life. This is where I am struggling right now. Where did it go wrong? The numbers and the attention from Youtube. Although they are dusts compared to other channels, but it really does affect me in the sense that I kept looking at them, hoping they would miraculously grow into something big. It is a bad habit that I brought down from my previous blogging days. I kept checking from time to time, even when I did not have to, I just kept opening the app, closing the app, even one like or one heart, it will actually motivate to check them even more. It felt like I was more hooked to the numbers more than ever, it was as if I was on drugs, those marijuana type, giving me short burst of ‘highs’ throughout the day. I have to admit, I am learning to handle these types of feelings and emotions, it is very difficult to cope with them at first because my mind and body want more of those likes and hearts, I kept going back to those platforms even if it was nothing for most of the times or just an increment of one like. This is just absurd. But, my mind and body love it so much until I can forget or ignore or care less about other aspects of my life.
Some Youtubers did mention about Youtube taking over their life and I really do feel like it at times. Not just Youtube, I mean social media in general. My mind is so prone to look at something new from time to time, literally every minute I have to seize it with content from social media, and the worse thing is, I browse my likes and hearts way too many times in a day, in an unhealthy manner. I have totally lost control over myself when it comes to checking my social media, I have gone back to the days where I keep on feeding on the feedback loop created by these social media apps. Even when writing this, I have several notifications going off in my head, screaming to me to check my phone, around 8 or 10 times, I heard myself saying, go check your phone. This is unhealthy.
I know I have other things to do throughout the day, like learning Japanese, planning new video ideas, practising new calligraphy skills, reading, doing Maths and the list goes on and on, I just ignored them and chose to lay on my bed and mindlessly browse through these social media platforms. I think I have come a full cycle where I am back into this state of constant need for unnecessary information and details happening around me, which is easily accessible through a few taps on my phone screen, I never really have a time when I am really focused on doing something, my mind just jumps around from one place to another very quickly, making a fucking mess inside my head.
Content. I think this is the thing that is bothering me a lot. It has made me self-fulfilling very quickly and growing away from growing up. A lot of my decisions to scroll my phone were made unconsciously by me, and I can feel this deep in my skull. It was only three or four years back that I swore to myself that I would not dwell in this pile of shit anymore. But, look at me know, covered in deep shit, knowing that I am thoroughly fucked but not being or wanting to do anything to stop the voice inside my head.
I really do have a lot of things to do. Or do I? The things that I want to do, the lot of things, are just scrolling through social media endlessly and mindlessly searching for other Youtube videos to watch. I feel content doing these stuffs and this is so unhealthy. I want to break loose from this fucking shit, I really have enough of this fucking bull shit. I want to get myself together, make things that are more important to me a priority rather having these hackled thoughts of mindlessness and aimlessness.
I want to do Maths, I want to make videos, I want to do calligraphy, I want to learn Japanese, I want to read more books, I want to have a more organised lifestyle, a healthier one. I want to run more consistently and powerfully.
I do not want to scroll anymore social media. I do not want those shit anymore. I do not want to watch anymore Youtube. I really do not want to those stuffs anymore. It just occupies my mind too much with worthless shit. I really am struggling, I do not want these shit in my life anymore.
I want to make a prayer to you regarding about these shit that are bothering me, all the above that I have written, I want to commit them unto You. Please help me, I know You have done this before, and I made the choice to go back to all these once again. So, I really want You to pull me out from this, it really sucked having the routine of checking my phone first thing in the morning and the last thing before going to bed. It really is soul-crushing. I know I have other things to do, better things to do. You know it too. God grant me strength and mercy to overcome this hurdle. Thank you Jesus, and I pray,