am i loyal, brave and true?

21 indeed is a weird age. I wander and wonder, why are things the way they are, what is it going to be in the future, when am I going to meet someone special, how to keep my principles in check from the dread of life, who are the people that I can really depend on, all those philosophical questions that I am too ‘busy’ to cogitate about. Busy as in being distracted by the social medias and unnecessary feelings of guilt.

As thoughts fluttered by inside my head, I am sitting here typing away my thoughts into the pixelated screen, hoping that this sort of therapy will depict the true feelings and thoughts that are buried deep, at the back of my head.

Time is ticking away as I am typing. I know that I have not much time left to do the things that I want to do, but yet I can spend my life feeling guilty about everything unnecessary, being wasteful of my time over social medias.

What do I actually gain from those actions of wastefulness and guilt? Nothing. Nada. Zero. Nothing could stop me from doing so.

Nothing? Perhaps I should really sit down some time in my every day life to think and give myself some headroom to figure out what I am doing and telling myself, reasoning with myself that I am supposed to be making use of my time to do things that are in-line with my principles.

TRUST GOD. HAVE FAITH IN HIM. 
create a formula that can benefit mankind. (maths)
share my art to preserve and inspire the culture in order to leave a legacy. (calligraphy)
keep on learning, expand my horizon.
learn to live and live to learn. 
treat people nicely. 

These are my principles. But am I truly, loyally, bravely executing them in my breath? The above mentioned not only contains my principles, there are also my dreams and hopes for my future.

Words could never describe what I have inside my head, even I have a tough time deciphering them. My short attention span. impatience and laziness are my downfalls that I openly admit. I am doing my best to change things up, I am getting better by the week, by the days I am changing for the better. However, I still feel like something has lost from me ever since I entered university, I felt a piece of me had been taken away by disappointment and self-blame. No matter what I do, I will still go back to seek solace in the embrace of disappointment and blame, they are approvals of my doings, my actions, and my responsibilities.

What the fuck am I thinking? I drummed my fingers across the keyboard as my thoughts came to a halt. I am tired but not so, I think I am just tired with the way that I am being dealt with by life. Sometimes, I just need the time to tune myself back on track and get my head straight so that I can put down what I had and had not in the past in order to receive what is going to be given to me in the present by Him through the right efforts and His guidance.

Prayer is the answer and yet I am running away from it. The Holy Bible is another and yet I am avoiding it from time to time.

I feel like I really need to seek God in these times of trying and changing. It is not easy.

AM I LOYAL, BRAVE AND TRUE?

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Hope. Joy. Feelings cloaked as words.

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