Willpower Is Limited

This post is more like a rant and contains a lot of negativity, if you do not want to take in or be affected by any of this, please do not read this post. I want to vent out my feelings at this place as writing do help with re-aligning myself.

This is my second year of studying a degree of Maths, and I feel worn-out, like dried-out on the beach in a hot California summer. This is not a joke, but very real to me. I feel as if I have lost all my willpower to even pick up something to study. Yes, it is only the first week and I start bitching around stuffs. As you have read from me previously, I know that what I am studying now might not be use-able or employable in my future, I seemed to have captured the image of having a bleak future inside my head, and this is bad, really bad.

Why did I say that it is not use-able for my future? My course only taught me how to substitute numbers into a formula, without discussing and testing on the theorems and underlying principles behind it, I feel like this course really have detached me from my ultimate passion- doing Maths. I feel like such a let-down as what this course is doing to me is really bad. I hate to compare but the other students in other faculty can be doing two of our classes in one, they learned basically the same thing and did it in a shorter amount of time. What is this logic? Why can’t we do the same as well? You can argue that they are from engineering and I am from Maths, but essentially, we are tested on the same thing, just pick up the tests papers from both faculties and compare, yes they are the same. So, why are we taking so much longer to complete the same thing as the others did? This makes no fucking sense at all.

On the other hand, a lot of the things learned are overlapped here and there. There should be classes that can be combined to be taught as a class. But, yet, we need to care about the well-being of the lecturers, if there are less courses, then more of our faculty’s lecturers would be jobless. As we joked about this, I only saw how shallow my thoughts were before and how off my predictions were before.

There is just so much bad things going on in my head, I feel very lost. This is rather ironic, I am doing the course of my dreams and yet I am lost. Fuck this, absurd. I am so angry with myself and disappointed at the same time. There are so many things I have decided wrongly, so much wrong fucking decisions that put me into this state of mind- this fucked mentality of negativity. I feel like my decisions have undermined what I want to do. I want to be a Mathematician but I am studying how to substitute numbers into formula, not learning why the formula works, not learning what is required to be a Mathematician, not even catching up to the softwares used in the industrial world. One stupid choice resulted me into here. That choice was not even considered to my thick skull. I was so young, so dumb, so dumb.

Enough of this, you can tell me to not think so much about the bad side, look at the bright side more. Fuck, no. Fuck no. I have lowered my standards a lot to conform to this mediocrity, low until from someone who have 4 jobs and getting 3.75 in STPM to someone taking a degree that is maybe useless in the future. This is such a discourse from progress, it is evolution just backwards. What a fucking disgrace. This is fucking disappointing.

Enough scolding and blaming, this is bad. Wait, I have told myself this for a year now. I am exhausted, my willpower is fucked. I am tired and had enough of what is happening now. It is so mediocre and such a disgrace for myself. I do not want to say anything more about my course, I am just disappointed and angry.

I am offered an option to quit and go private or I am waiting for my change of course to something at least use-able and applicable for my future. I entered university to learn something new, but guess what, for a year, I was on vacation and blinded by comfort that I am doing well. But in fact, I way fucking behind, biting the dust from lightyears away, I felt left behind and so lost.

I am so tired, I pray that God to help me, give me strength to pull this through. If God does not help me, I think I might not pull this through anymore.

Craving for more? Down below:
5 A.M. Club by Robin Sharma (In-Depth Summary)
My Thoughts on Malaysia 2020
some free stuffs
sometimes it is better to do nothing
am i loyal, brave and true?
stuffs and things
FIRST YEAR REVIEW UNIVERSITY TECHNOLOGY MALAYSIA | LIVING IN BETHESDA

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Hope. Joy. Feelings cloaked as words.

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