Decisions. Decisions.

Waiting is one of the most painful process in life, it not only wrenches you off your life, it also fills you with unbearable anxiety and worry, it fucks you up in general. In the past month, I am bombarded with this crucial decision of whether to change course or not, I did applied to change, but now I still have not heard anything from the university. I have written rather substantially on this matter and also did a video or two illustrating my reasons for doing so. But, here is the troublesome part that haunts me every single day, especially when the date of changing courses closed.

At that faithful day, I waited from morning to night, for an e-mail, that could potentially change the course of my life by fortifying what I am studying, but no. I picked up my phone every half an hour, just to check for that stupid e-mail, part of me already did not care whether I got to change or not, part of me still did. As for the readers’ knowledge, Malaysia’s education system, especially in the higher part, some of those are fucked up, literally just bad. (Not all, I do not want to get trouble for me saying this)

Ok, I waited and waited, but still no response up till this date.

So, my head went in various directions, I simply knew deep inside me that I had to deal with this for the rest of this degree. But, deep down inside me, I felt something had went off, my fire simply extinguished, I felt like I had enough of these bullshit, I felt like I am done. But, I still need the fucking piece of paper, it is the prerequisite to this society, so I cannot give up now, this would fuck me in the future. I know some of you might say that this is rather not important, but in my point of view, I take this degree as an insurance and also a ticket to achieve my dreams.

But now, it just felt not worth it anymore, I felt something deep down inside me had died, suffering a sadistic death by the ‘Malaysian’ culture. (Not the general warm culture, I am talking about the lackadaisical and no-fucks-given culture) I know something is wrong with me because I wrote unintentionally, these few pieces were written because I felt like venting into this blank space where I can better see what the fuck is going on inside my head and my heart. I just felt so bad, so fucked up. I did pray, but even that piece of faith for God is starting betraying me, spoken from me.

I am just overthinking, I really am. But, it is just natural to do so. I just need to recover and believe God will provide, perhaps in other ways, not die die also within my field of thoughts, but I have faith, an inborn-faith, that God will act beyond what my mind can perceive or even imagine. I believe in Him, deeply.

I did have a chat with some of my friends from my course, they did provide a better insight as to how I should continue this path- give and take, find alternatives, do it yourself. However, it is my heart that is being ripped, I need time to recover, and I feel like I do not have that luxury anymore, I am starting to feel like any wasted time would be a hindrance to my future.

我觉得我很累,我也觉得我很傻。追个梦,把自己当成傻B。已经一年了,我还是这么浪,这么废。

Blame all you can, Bryan. It is no use, Malaysia is like this, you need to accept the fact that Malaysia is like this.

Your dream is great, it has beaten all odds and managed to pull through until now. The fire is still there, you just have to ignite it. Not someone else, not something else, it is you who have to take up the mantle and live your dream. By that, stop bitching about what you are in, how shit your circumstances are, there is always a way, it is just that you have to make the move. Fuck them who fucks around. Ignore them, figure out something that works, it is you that have to live out your dream, not others. You had met people that inspired you, that is more than enough, you need to man up and find a way through this pile of fucking bullshit. It is not easy, it is not difficult either. But, it is great that you realise this earlier, it took you a year to slap you to your conscience, knowing that what you are doing is sub-par, simply worthless. Putting it into another perspective, it is like going for a one-year vacation.

Fuck this, fuck that. Sighs. I know what I have to do, but I don’t know whether I have the power to do it or not.

God, please give me the strength and the wisdom to pull this through, I feel lost but I believe that you are still my guiding light and Provider. There are still many fights to come, do not let this stupid one screw me over. I do not have the time to fool around with it. Grant me insight and perception that renews my soul from within.

Amen.

Craving for more? Down below:
Willpower is Limited
5 A.M. Club by Robin Sharma (In-Depth Summary)
My Thoughts on Malaysia 2020
some free stuffs
sometimes it is better to do nothing
am i loyal, brave and true?
stuffs and things

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Hope. Joy. Feelings cloaked as words.

6 thoughts on “Decisions. Decisions.

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