Dread, is the word that comes to my mind quite often lately, it is also shown in my day-to-day actions- procrastinating, oversleeping, overthinking, distracting myself from the reality of life, not really doing anything nor achieving anything. I guess the change is affecting me more than I expected. I never thought that doing things in a new light- rethinking how my life is going to be- is going to be tough. At times, I thought to myself that why not just live with normalcy, just be a normal person and enjoy the perks of it, synonymous to just do whatever that is within my comfort zone, becoming the thing that I feared most- conformity.
As I am writing this part, I turn to my phone once again to find some sort of comfort, solace. I just feel like a void is present inside me constantly in these trying times. I do not know what to do with it. The worse thing is, the void can somehow suck the living soul out of me, leaving me demotivated for life and leading me to seek solace in distractions that are harmful for my mind. Feeding myself negative thoughts for almost everyday has become a routine to me, I keep being salty about what I am seeing on social media, and this is bad.
“Comparison is the thief of joy.”
I know that. I know that all along. I just do not know why am I back in this wretched state of life that I had left behind years ago. Social media and all this jargon were left behind by me long ago, even games too. I just do not know why all these have come back to fill my life once again. This is just too ironic, time-consuming and soul-wrenching. I just feel so tired dealing with all these bullshit.
This is one of my ways to get my feelings off my chest. I just have to do it, in this written form.
I am putting away too many things that I ought to do. I have postponed my calligraphy projects. I did not attempt to learn much stuffs from uni and maths. I become contempt with the way things are as it appears to be too easy that makes me slack off a lot. I feel like everything is just too easy, I somehow lost the motivation and the drive to move myself forward. This is bad.
This time around, I feel like I have sunk further that before, literally craving social media like a drug, it is as if if I do not scroll through social media, I will feel some sort of detachment and emptiness inside me. It is literally having a drug addiction, but the drug is social media and youtube.
I guess life is just a cycle, I need to beat this once again.
The best way is to delete them, get rid of the stimulus immediately, without a doubt. Restrict myself, learning and enhancing my self-control.