the times when i lost control

Relapse, withdrawal, relapse, withdrawal, relapse, withdrawal. This time it is not that different, but totally different from the previous times that I fall into this feedback loop from hell. I went back into the addiction cycle that I gotten rid of years ago, this time was more hellish compared to the previous time. Imagine yourself, laying on bed, 12 hours a day, spending all that time scrolling on that goddamn phone for the past month, every single day.

What? How did I spend so much fucking time on my phone, daily? I don’t know, time just flew by, as if it was nothing. I will scroll Instagram, watch a couple of Youtube videos, gaming, then repeat the cycle as if I am on crack. It is literally feeding my brain with poison- dopamine. The cycle would never stop, it is a fucking drug, and I am barely in control of myself.

At first, I was thinking of celebrating the end of my semester by re-downloading a game on my phone and game liked there was no tomorrow. I did, not surprising. When I was 14, I did that also. Everything is the same, nothing has changed. I do not know why I relapsed, but it happened, and is still happening now, even though I deleted the game, my attention diverted to my phone usage instead. Or has it been an addiction to my phone instead of what is on my phone?

Why? Why do I do this to myself? I know that these actions do nothing but harm and waste to my life. I am literally sitting inside my mind watching myself die in front of myself, I am a by-stander of my on demise. Fuck. This is painful to watch, but I am so fucking tired to get up and stop myself from dealing with all the bullshit all around me, I am like the guy in The Matrix who betrayed the whole crew for escapism from realism. I am so destructive to myself that I let go of every fucking thread that I have on myself and let my body do whatever the fuck it likes.

Look at myself now. LOOK. Open my fucking eyes.

This is so sad.

Why? Why am I doing this to myself? I know I have dreams to chase, hopes to hold on, or did I? Ever since I had had enough of how things work in my uni- the irresponsible lecturers, leading to a major distrust, I would rather trust Youtube than my lecturers when looking for knowledge or even answers; the shitty lecturers, leading my dreams straight down to hell, to fucking smithereens, I don’t even know what I want anymore, this is the first time in my entire fucking life that the environment fucked me up good. Normally, I am just a human, like most of you, I am rather dependent on the environment to live my life, if the environment is shit, I would just be shit, however if the environment is thriving, then I would be thriving along with it. I think this is how life works, I have been in too many situations where I am carried along with the environment, to grow strong along with the environment. But now, I am left alone, in the middle of fucking nowhere, needing to reach a place that I do not even know where. Right now, I am in this fucking mediocrity where I am supposed to live with for another 3 and a half years. I am so fucking tired with all this fucking bullshit. Even now, if I do not really do anything in a day, I do not really care anymore. I think this is despair and hopelessness that I am feeling. A man sailing the seas without any direction, there is something even worse about this man, it is if I hit a rock and die in the middle of the fucking sea, I do not think I will care about it, why bother caring? why bother? why? WHY? JUST FUCKING WHY?

My life has been spiralling out of control since I realised that my dream is no longer going to happen, it is just how I think, mathematically. You can argue that I am giving up too early. Yes, I can admit that because I am at a field disadvantage, where everything that is exposed to me is either outdated or easily found on the internet, nothing new, just a bunch of numbers substituting into equations, that was when I knew it was time to quit doing Maths, because even if I put in my best, I would just be the best of the worst, it meant nothing, not worth it at all.

After a year of finding this out, I only changed courses to mechanical engineering. Even after changing, the spark inside me is gone, fucking gone. To make things even worse, it is the same even in the other course. Right now, I am just convincing myself that I am learning something new, at least. The lies that I am telling myself is so harmful, it is really detrimental to myself. I am lying so hard to myself. I am so tired of doing all these.

Lies, Lies, Lies. These are all that I feed myself, until another day passes, and another, and another, and…

These are the few times that I get to pilot my fucking self, away from the dopamine addict and the lier.

You’ve already made the choice. Now you have to understand it. – The Oracle, the Matrix Revolution 2003

Time and time again. Time and time again.

Craving for more? Down below:
i am grateful for 2020
How To Sell Our 2021 New Year T-Shirts
To the Point of No Return
Think Like A Monk by Jay Shetty (In-Depth Summary)

Published by zeckrombryan

Hope. Joy. Feelings cloaked as words.

One thought on “the times when i lost control

  1. Experienced this a while back, and frankly it’s hard to stay offline when everything’s online… though the worst thing was that it started to affect how I behaved to my family.
    It’s like a chain reaction. You start letting things certain things slide, lose your sense of discipline and moral compass, your pride also may become more and sense of entitlement… and then it ultimately leads to depression and thoughts of self worthlessness. And trying to find validation and all that.
    The combination of trying to be worth something and also losing your sense of direction and in a sense, “worth” causes it also.
    I’m still yet to find my sense of direction yet, but I hope you find yours soon ❤

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