the times when i lost control

Relapse, withdrawal, relapse, withdrawal, relapse, withdrawal. This time it is not that different, but totally different from the previous times that I fall into this feedback loop from hell. I went back into the addiction cycle that I gotten rid of years ago, this time was more hellish compared to the previous time. Imagine yourself, laying on bed, 12 hours a day, spending all that time scrolling on that goddamn phone for the past month, every single day.

What? How did I spend so much fucking time on my phone, daily? I don’t know, time just flew by, as if it was nothing. I will scroll Instagram, watch a couple of Youtube videos, gaming, then repeat the cycle as if I am on crack. It is literally feeding my brain with poison- dopamine. The cycle would never stop, it is a fucking drug, and I am barely in control of myself.

At first, I was thinking of celebrating the end of my semester by re-downloading a game on my phone and game liked there was no tomorrow. I did, not surprising. When I was 14, I did that also. Everything is the same, nothing has changed. I do not know why I relapsed, but it happened, and is still happening now, even though I deleted the game, my attention diverted to my phone usage instead. Or has it been an addiction to my phone instead of what is on my phone?

Why? Why do I do this to myself? I know that these actions do nothing but harm and waste to my life. I am literally sitting inside my mind watching myself die in front of myself, I am a by-stander of my on demise. Fuck. This is painful to watch, but I am so fucking tired to get up and stop myself from dealing with all the bullshit all around me, I am like the guy in The Matrix who betrayed the whole crew for escapism from realism. I am so destructive to myself that I let go of every fucking thread that I have on myself and let my body do whatever the fuck it likes.

Look at myself now. LOOK. Open my fucking eyes.

This is so sad.

Why? Why am I doing this to myself? I know I have dreams to chase, hopes to hold on, or did I? Ever since I had had enough of how things work in my uni- the irresponsible lecturers, leading to a major distrust, I would rather trust Youtube than my lecturers when looking for knowledge or even answers; the shitty lecturers, leading my dreams straight down to hell, to fucking smithereens, I don’t even know what I want anymore, this is the first time in my entire fucking life that the environment fucked me up good. Normally, I am just a human, like most of you, I am rather dependent on the environment to live my life, if the environment is shit, I would just be shit, however if the environment is thriving, then I would be thriving along with it. I think this is how life works, I have been in too many situations where I am carried along with the environment, to grow strong along with the environment. But now, I am left alone, in the middle of fucking nowhere, needing to reach a place that I do not even know where. Right now, I am in this fucking mediocrity where I am supposed to live with for another 3 and a half years. I am so fucking tired with all this fucking bullshit. Even now, if I do not really do anything in a day, I do not really care anymore. I think this is despair and hopelessness that I am feeling. A man sailing the seas without any direction, there is something even worse about this man, it is if I hit a rock and die in the middle of the fucking sea, I do not think I will care about it, why bother caring? why bother? why? WHY? JUST FUCKING WHY?

My life has been spiralling out of control since I realised that my dream is no longer going to happen, it is just how I think, mathematically. You can argue that I am giving up too early. Yes, I can admit that because I am at a field disadvantage, where everything that is exposed to me is either outdated or easily found on the internet, nothing new, just a bunch of numbers substituting into equations, that was when I knew it was time to quit doing Maths, because even if I put in my best, I would just be the best of the worst, it meant nothing, not worth it at all.

After a year of finding this out, I only changed courses to mechanical engineering. Even after changing, the spark inside me is gone, fucking gone. To make things even worse, it is the same even in the other course. Right now, I am just convincing myself that I am learning something new, at least. The lies that I am telling myself is so harmful, it is really detrimental to myself. I am lying so hard to myself. I am so tired of doing all these.

Lies, Lies, Lies. These are all that I feed myself, until another day passes, and another, and another, and…

These are the few times that I get to pilot my fucking self, away from the dopamine addict and the lier.

You’ve already made the choice. Now you have to understand it. – The Oracle, the Matrix Revolution 2003

Time and time again. Time and time again.

Craving for more? Down below:
i am grateful for 2020
How To Sell Our 2021 New Year T-Shirts
To the Point of No Return
Think Like A Monk by Jay Shetty (In-Depth Summary)

Calligrapher Designs Spring Couplets on The Streets for Chinese New Year

Gong Hei Fatt Choi everyone, welcome back to write with ink. I am Bryan. Today we are going to be filming on the streets of Petalling Street. Joining me today is Photographer Kelvin, a very pro photographer, go follow him on instagram. 

The main thing that we are going to film today is me writing chinese calligraphy on the streets, more specifically spring couplets or chun lian. Spring Couplets are Chinese New Year Decors that were initially used to scare away the ancient monster called Nian, but now, times have changed, Spring Couplets are just merely CNY decorations. 

We have chosen 3 different streets within Petalling Street earlier in the morning in order to film the scenes. Out of so many places, why do I choose this place to film? First, this place is public, second, i do not want to deal with any kind of logistics, thirdly the background is better looking compared to my room. 

The filming parts are rather smooth, but we run into some problems in each of the locations. The first street that we picked was too small and crammed, so it was quite difficult to move around. The second street that we picked was too crowded with people, everyone started to flock around me and watched me write calligraphy, it is not a good thing and the scenes taken were mostly obstructed by people. The third street, the third street was fine, just that we were quite tired during this last shot. 

Nonetheless, we got the scenes needed to make the commercials. Yes you heard it right, I tried to sell my handwritten spring couplets to the Malaysian market. So naturally, I needed some materials for marketing. Last year, I attempted to sell these online but the sales was bad, really bad, because I did not put in as much effort as compared to this, naturally it just would not sell. This year, again, I am doing all these just to earn a bit of a side income in order to pay off some of my material fees for my calligraphy and also to share this culture online. Nothing surprising here, the sales of the Spring Couplets were not as good also, mainly because of the MCO in Malaysia, many people are not in the mood to celebrate this festivity, and also there is this problem where Malaysian Calligraphers keep giving away these writings for free which will absolutely devalue it to zero. 

However, I want to thank all of you who bought the spring couplets from me, thank you for all your support. This experience is a learning curve for me to grow as a calligrapher, I have learned a lot from this. 

Thank you so much for watching, stay safe. See you in the next video. Peace. 

Craving for more? Down below:
i am grateful for 2020
How To Sell Our 2021 New Year T-Shirts
To the Point of No Return
Think Like A Monk by Jay Shetty (In-Depth Summary)
some updates

i am grateful for 2020

2020 has been a rough year for everyone. I believe that 2020 is not a year that is expected by anyone at all. It is a very different year as compared to others, and it definitely caught us off guard.

There are many voices saying that 2020 is the worst year ever, 2020 is screwed up, 2020 should be cancelled, 2020 is such a terrible year, 2020 is so messed up, 2020 should be forgotten, 2020 is the shittiest year ever. Yes, 2020 is a bad year, it is a fact, but I think we should be grateful even as we are still surviving at the end of 2020. Give a pat to yourself if you are still surviving this year and stepping into a new year.

As we close the curtains for 2020, this is the time of the year where we sit down, reflect about the year and be grateful for whatever that had happened to us for this year. 

I am grateful for 2020 because it is a wake-up call for me. Recently, I have changed course from doing Pure Maths to Mechanical Engineering. This decision is a hard one, I love Maths from the bottom of my heart but in reality what I was doing was not even enough to be considered training to become a Mathematician or even to become more competent as a life-long learner, the reality check was real as I had a lot of time in my hands during the MCO to think about what I was really doing. So, I took the steps that I needed, not what I wanted, to get myself to a better learning opportunity. I am grateful that I took this step out of my comfort zone, doing things that I am not used to, and learning more as I progress. I am grateful for this wake-up call. 

I am grateful for 2020 because I get to achieve a lot from the creative aspect of my life. A few months back, I have started posting actively on my Instagram for my calligraphy art and also some infrequent videos on Youtube. Although these are just small numbers, but I do feel that I have another platform to voice out my opinions and express myself in video or art form. My goal of all these is to build a legacy based off my calligraphy and to tell memorable stories through Youtube. I am going to keep on this venture for my calligraphy and Youtube. There are more exciting stuffs to come, I got some invitations to do some calligraphy. So, subscribe to my Youtube or follow me on Instagram to see what I have in store. I am grateful for these opportunities and breakthroughs in my creative spectrum. I am grateful for the people who appreciate what I am doing. 

I am grateful for 2020 because I still have friends who supported me and helped me through 2020. I am grateful for them for just being present when I need help and vice versa. I am grateful that I could connect with friends who I had not met in a long time through the online platforms available and just being able to spend time with them felt great. I am grateful for the people in my life, good or bad, I can choose how should I react. I am grateful for you, all of you. 

I am grateful for 2020 because God is more present more frequently in my life. As a believer, I do not think that I have spent that much time with God in the previous years, or that much quality with Him. When MCO hit, I feel like I have more time to think and to seek God. Although there were times during this year where I totally lost control of my time to games and social media. I did pray for God to help me out of this. In addition, I also did pray for a lot more during this period. I am grateful that I got to strengthen my connection with God even through this trying times. I am grateful for all that He has done. 

Thank you 2020 for all the experiences, changes and learning curves. I am grateful for 2020. 

Craving for more? Down below:
How To Sell Our 2021 New Year T-Shirts
To the Point of No Return
Think Like A Monk by Jay Shetty (In-Depth Summary)
some updates
Decisions. Decisions.

How to sell our 2021 New Year T-Shirts.

Hey everyone. Welcome back to Write with Ink. I’m Bryan. Today we are going to talk about the 2021 new year t-shirts that I am selling. 

We have the 2021+ Shirt White, 2021+ Shirt Red, Blessed T-Shirt, and the Destiny T-Shirt. 

The sound quality on that was just terrible. So, I just decided to film another one now. 

Selling shirts is not easy, especially if it is your first time and your network is not that great. Plus, there is a ton of work behind everything. 

In this small venture, I partnered up with Sharon who is a full-time graphic designer to help me out with this. 

Me and Sharon took about two weeks to come out with the ideas. Generally, the process is that I write the ideas down on paper with calligraphy, snap them with my phone and send them as a photoshop file to her. Then, she will refine it for print using illustrator. 

That process itself took us quite a long time because I did not have enough good ideas to be put on a shirt.

And here are my failed drafts. Look at the number of ideas churned out. Just to get four of them to put on a shirt. 

These are the four shirts. There are only three designs but we wanted to make this series into four variants so we just changed one of the colours to make another variant. 

The first design is the 2021+ t-Shirt, which comes in white or red. The main idea behind this is pretty easy, we just changed the number ‘one’ in 2021 to the chinese character of one. This worked quite well because if you rotate the number 90 degrees and you will get the chinese character one. Plus, we also wanted to highlight the ‘one’ because we want to encourage people to do one more of different different things for the new year. 

The second design is a typical blessings t-shirt. Very typical but I gave it a twist by writing it on a very very big piece of paper. Let me show you the drafts. 

The third design is a destiny t-shirt. I got this inspiration from the internet, more specifically from the anime ‘Your Name’ where the character talked about the concept of ‘musubi’. Then, it struck me that in Chinese culture, we also have something very similar to it, which is in this red string pendant, and it is closely related to the word destiny in chinese. By combining these two elements together, Walla, we have the design. 

After finalising everything, we waited for the sample shirts to print out. And we went to a photoshoot. We got two of our friends, Rex and Xin Yu to help out with this modelling shoot. Here are some shots that we took. 

After that photoshoot, knowing me, I did some extra work for my calligraphy account. It was way more extra work doing these, and most likely would not help out in the promotion part. But, I wanted it to be done and here we are. 

We shot a total of 2 videos. One was me writing the chinese character ‘one’ and another is writing the word ‘blessing’. I did screw things up quite a number of times but we still got the videos out. It was something new for me and a good learning curve for me because I got to practise how to get better footage. 

Next is editing. Here is the painful part. As you might know, my editing skills are just so-so and I still have my assignments to deal with. So this was rather intense. I learned a lot here too as to the hows and the principles of editing. Sharon guided me a lot, a big thank you to her. 

After editing, we have to sell the shirts. This video is also part of the promo. Of course, I also did some of the marketing and ads via facebook. 

This is how you design and sell the 2021 New Year T-Shirts. If you like the designs, or you are finding something nice to wear for 2021 or the Chinese New Year, buy the shirts from us. Buying shirts from us not only supports small local businesses / ventures like us and also this will help promote this traditional art of calligraphy into the general audience. 

All the money earned on my side will be put into producing better work and higher budget videos / art pieces. 

Thanks for watching this video. Look at graph. Look at graph. Smash the subscribe button for more in the future. Don’t forget the like and share this video to support small aspiring local artist like me. Buy the 2021 New Year Shirts to support my art. Once again, thanks for watching. Stay safe. Peace. 


Craving for more? Down below:
To the Point of No Return
Think Like A Monk by Jay Shetty (In-Depth Summary)
some updates
Decisions. Decisions.
Willpower is Limited

To The Point Of No Return

Dread, is the word that comes to my mind quite often lately, it is also shown in my day-to-day actions- procrastinating, oversleeping, overthinking, distracting myself from the reality of life, not really doing anything nor achieving anything. I guess the change is affecting me more than I expected. I never thought that doing things in a new light- rethinking how my life is going to be- is going to be tough. At times, I thought to myself that why not just live with normalcy, just be a normal person and enjoy the perks of it, synonymous to just do whatever that is within my comfort zone, becoming the thing that I feared most- conformity.

As I am writing this part, I turn to my phone once again to find some sort of comfort, solace. I just feel like a void is present inside me constantly in these trying times. I do not know what to do with it. The worse thing is, the void can somehow suck the living soul out of me, leaving me demotivated for life and leading me to seek solace in distractions that are harmful for my mind. Feeding myself negative thoughts for almost everyday has become a routine to me, I keep being salty about what I am seeing on social media, and this is bad.

“Comparison is the thief of joy.”

I know that. I know that all along. I just do not know why am I back in this wretched state of life that I had left behind years ago. Social media and all this jargon were left behind by me long ago, even games too. I just do not know why all these have come back to fill my life once again. This is just too ironic, time-consuming and soul-wrenching. I just feel so tired dealing with all these bullshit.

This is one of my ways to get my feelings off my chest. I just have to do it, in this written form.

I am putting away too many things that I ought to do. I have postponed my calligraphy projects. I did not attempt to learn much stuffs from uni and maths. I become contempt with the way things are as it appears to be too easy that makes me slack off a lot. I feel like everything is just too easy, I somehow lost the motivation and the drive to move myself forward. This is bad.

This time around, I feel like I have sunk further that before, literally craving social media like a drug, it is as if if I do not scroll through social media, I will feel some sort of detachment and emptiness inside me. It is literally having a drug addiction, but the drug is social media and youtube.

I guess life is just a cycle, I need to beat this once again.

The best way is to delete them, get rid of the stimulus immediately, without a doubt. Restrict myself, learning and enhancing my self-control.


Ladies and Gentlemen, Welcome to the 2020 Malaysia Annual Selection of Chinese Characters 

马来西亚2020年度汉字 has been in Malaysia for a decade now and it’s purpose is to summarise the entire year’s happenings in Malaysia with one Chinese character. At the end of the video, I am going to cast my vote to choose the one Chinese character that I feel worthy of this honour. 

Go and vote now:

Before that, I am going to tell you about how this event works, my opinions about the short-listed Chinese characters, my verdict about them and my final decision. 

How does this event work? The first stage is the selection round, everyone on the internet can suggest at most 3 Chinese characters to the organising body via their website, then organisers will filter out the top-10 suggested Chinese characters to be voted via polls through their website which is happening right now as I am recording this. The voting session is from Oct 25 to Nov 15. The most voted Chinese character would then be declared as the word of the year 2020 in Malaysia. This event is opened for everyone, so after watching this video, hearing out my opinions, you can go and vote also, the links are in the description below. 

Now, let’s talk about the 10 short-listed Chinese characters. To make my final decision clearer, I will give some marks to each of the words based on some criteria: the accuracy of the word describing Malaysia in 2020, how widely can the word be used to describe 2020, and my biased ‘feelings’ about each of the word.

After setting these down, I will go along with the sequence provided on their website. 

Word #1: 憂(you1) 

Meaning: Worry or sadness. 

You see, one Chinese character can have multiple meanings because we tend to associate one character with another which in turn creates another meaning for one character. In general this word, 憂, is a negative word which is used to describe worry and sadness. Ok, let’s look back to the year 2020. Ya, it’s quite terrifying, a lot has happened, the pandemic happened, the lockdown also, and the economy is not so good too. Plus, there are a lot of political hoo-hahs in Malaysia, adding salt to the wound. All these cause worry and sadness on so many levels because we are forced to face changes in a short amount of time and there are too many uncertainties hitting us at the same time. 

Accuracy: 8/10

Wideness: 6/10

Feelings: 5/10

Total: 19/30

Word #2: 新(xin1) 

Meaning: New, fresh or vague short-form of the virus. 

When we talk about something new, something fresh, we often relate it with positive situations, but not negative ones, at least this is how I feel about. You can say that the pandemic is something new for us, the forced changes are something fresh for us and therefore creating a lot of new challenges for us. From that point of view, yes, 新can be used like this. But for me, I still think that something new should be something good. If you do not agree with me on any of these words, feel free to leave your comment down below. 

Accuracy: 4/10

Wideness: 5/10

Feelings: 1/10

Total: 10/30

Word #3: 病(bing4) 

Meaning: Being sick or disease

I feel like this word describes 2020 the best in Malaysia. First we have the virus, making a lot of Malaysians sick. Then, we have the sick politicians playing politics which makes us sick of them. Plus, making us stay home for such a long period of time also makes us sick too. Personally, I think Malaysia is sick, so as the Malaysians in one way or the other. 

Accuracy: 9/10

Wideness: 9/10

Feelings: 9/10

Total: 27/30

Word #4 慘 (can3)

Meaning: miserable or tragic

2020 is one of the most tragic years after the Wars in the 20th Century. It is like we are fighting an invisible war against an invisible enemy. This not only costs lives but also our well-being, turning bad into something worse for most of us. Some of us might have adapted and benefitted from this tragedy / pandemic, but most of us did not. 

Accuracy: 7/10

Wideness: 7/10

Feelings: 6/10

Total: 20/30

Word #5 慌 (huang1)

Meaning: Panic or confused

Taking my points from the first word, I think the uncertainties and sudden changes did make me and most of us panic. Like during the announcement of the first MCO, I literally panicked, and knew the severity of this virus. But after that, I sort of got used to it and adapted to the new norm. The panic just happened once or twice, but the worry stays on. 

Accuracy: 5/10

Wideness: 3/10

Feelings: 1/10

Total: 9/30

Word #6 罩 (zhao4)

Meaning: Cover or affect or Face Mask. 

As we know, face masks are a compulsory thing for us to wear when we go outside and we literally have the expression of “Oh, fk. My mask.” If we leave without wearing a mask. However, some might object with wearing a mask because of discomfort or this and that reasons. Personally I think mask is not just a symbol for our war with a virus but also with different human behaviour and reactions. 

Accuracy: 7/10

Wideness: 5/10

Feelings: 5/10

Total: 17/30

Word #7 疫 (yi4)

Meaning: epidemic or pandemic 

This is one of the most heard words on Malaysian tele and radio. Although it has many similarities with the previous word bing4 but this is to describe a more serious threat rather than just being sick. It is used to describe the situation that is happening now, this pandemic. 

Accuracy: 9/10

Wideness: 9/10

Feelings: 8/10

Total: 26/30

Word #8 封 (feng1)

Meaning: Sealed up or lockdown 

Malaysia has been in lockdown since March, like we have been through many phases of lockdown: MCO, CMCO, EMCO, RMCO, but as we almost break the chain of this virus, we had an election that sent us back to square one. In addition to that, this seals up a lot of opportunities and plans that we had for 2020. 

Accuracy: 8/10

Wideness: 7/10

Feelings: 7/10

Total: 22/30

Word #9 困 (kun4)

Meaning: Tired or trapped

This word is quite similar to the previous one, feng1, but it has additional elements in it. Like feeling trapped during the lockdown and also feeling tired of all the shit that is happening, regardless of what the shit is. This word is can be more related to the feelings rather than the conditions around us. 

Accuracy: 8/10

Wideness: 9/10

Feelings: 7/10

Total: 24/30

Word #10 亂 (luan4)

Meaning: Messy or confused

As I have described from the beginning, Malaysia is in a fucking mess. Not just caused by the pandemic, but also the sickening politics. Sometimes, I also feel my heart is in a mess, probably due to the lockdown, studies and whatnot. But, I think this word is too general in a sense that it is just a state that can happen in any year. 

Accuracy: 6/10

Wideness: 9/10

Feelings: 6/10

Total: 21/30

My verdict is this. 

A lot of the words have the potential to become the word of the year. But more than half of them are way too general, in a sense that the word can be put in any year with bad things happening and is still able to describe the year with a pass-able standard. 

We are here to look for a word that best describes 2020, something more specific. So, I just look at the top 3 words based on their marks. 


After making my decisions, I think that bing4 is the most suitable word for 2020.

Craving for more? Down below:
Think Like A Monk by Jay Shetty (In-Depth Summary)
some updates
Decisions. Decisions.
Willpower is Limited
5 A.M. Club by Robin Sharma (In-Depth Summary)
My Thoughts on Malaysia 2020

Think Like A Monk by Jay Shetty (In-Depth Summary)

Think Like A Monk

by Jay Shetty

Book in 3 Sentences

Have a monk mindset rather than a monkey mindset. Breath is the most important thing in our life, breath changes along with emotions, once you know how to breathe (meditate), you can go deeper with yourself. Training your mind with positivity, self-control, gratitude, discipline is very crucial in making a more fulfilling life. 


Reading from a christian’s perspective, I feel like this book does reflect a lot of similar practices from the bible. However, not all is necessarily true, like for the mantra part when meditating, feel free to swap it out with praying (if you are a christian). Nonetheless this book tackles the fundamental values of being a human, a good one, from a monk’s perspective. Although some parts are quite repetitive, especially towards the end, I still think that this book has a lot more from what I have summarised. 

Key takeaways under 150

Our breath is more important than we thought, we breathe every moment, if we can control how we breathe, then we can control ourselves (emotionally). Self-control and discipline is a training for the mind, activities like waking up earlier and sleeping earlier too are to train the mind and also give us a more refreshing start for our future.

Spot, stop and swap. These are key actions made in awareness and conscience. The actions can help us be objective observers to our life. Plus, it can be used to weed out the negativity in our lives. Have transformational forgiveness.

Live intentionally. Live in your dharma. Have a routine so you can be more creative and productive. Be here now. Detach yourself from impermanence. Remember you are just a man, keep your ego in check.

Love is a verb. Be grateful about anything and everything you have. Serving others is a higher call for being a human.

More Detailed Summary 


Be conscious consistently in aiming to be alive in this moment. 

Monkey mindset- changes rapidly from thought to thought, never settling and really solving anything.

Monk mindset- clarity, meaning and direction. 

Breath- Focus on the root of the problem, not the branches. 

Breathing changes with our emotions, once we can control how we breathe, we can handle any situation in life. 

1 Identity

Our image comes from what we think others think of us, which leads us to method acting (putting on different personas in different occasions)

Society’s definition of life is everybody’s when you reflect upon it; nobody’s when you don’t. (have more meaning when reflect)

Guiding values are very important. They are whatever that absorbs our mind. 

Education must be balanced- fact-driven curriculum inhibits creativity, narrow cultural approach closes minds.

Observing and evaluating requires space and stillness. If we tune out distractions, we can hear ourselves, whereas if we fill ourselves with distractions, those distractions will be our values. 

Reflections can be done: 1. reflect daily about how you feel. 2. Visit a different place monthly. 3. do something meaningful to you (hobby, charity)

Audit your life via your actions to check on your values. 1. how you use your time. 2. screen time. 3. how you spend your money. (and ask what is the value behind these choices) 

It is your choice to tweak your life, letting go of some stuffs if not aligned with your values, it takes time. 

Surround yourself with people who fit your values. 近朱者赤近墨者黑。

2 Negativity

Cancers of the mind: Comparing, Complaining, Criticising. Gossip = bad.

Three core emotional needs: peace, love, understanding. Negativity is when one of it is under threat. 

Adopting victim mentality can lead to selfishness and entitlement. 

Most humans like to conform to the society- groupthink mindset. 

Negativity leads to more negativity. Complainers, cancellers, casualties, critics, commanders, competitors, controllers.

Everyone is imperfect, do not judge. 

Reverse external negativity: 1. Approach negativity with awareness, become an objective observer, do not act on first impulse, choose how to act. 2. back slowly away. 3. spend 75% of your time with inspiring people. 4. Allocate time for the negativity, only let it within the time-frame. 5. Do not be a saviour. 

Reverse internal negativity, purify your own thoughts, letting go of things not wanted, small actions also have consequences. 

Spot, Stop, Swap. 

Spot: Be aware of your negative comments. (judge, envy, suspect)

Stop: Breathe, have careful and thoughtful observations. 

Swap: Be mindful of our negativity by being specific. Reverse envy. Choose your own words wisely. 

Forgiveness frees you from anger. Only people who are hurt, hurt people. Transformational forgiveness- have courage to admit your wrongs and to apologize without expecting any return, gives you a peace of mind. Remember to forgive yourself also. 

Be mindful about the energy around you and you absorb. If you fixate more time to someone else, you would not have time for yourself. 

3 Fear

Fear will get the worst out of the best of us. We often distract ourselves from facing our true fears. 

Notice fear’s warnings and ignore fear’s guidance, realise what fear can teach us, often times the fear from stresses are what makes us stronger. 

We need to realise which fear is worth worrying about and tune our reaction (change our attitude) to fear rather than just panic, freeze, run away and bury away.

Accept and acknowledge your fear, find fear patterns (when, where, what, who), learn to detach because attachment- our own need to control things- causes great fear, shift the fear into freedom. Control how you think (internal) because we can’t change the external easily and never panic. 

Break panic by using 4-4-4 breathing technique (breathe in, hold, breathe out) until heart rate slows down. Life is a compilation of the past, present, future. Learn from them, do not derive negativity from them. 

When we deny fear, our problems follow us, face it. 

4 Intention 

Four motivations of life: fear (not sustainable), desire, duty, love. 

Happiness does not come from external measures of success, happiness is found within us by mastering the mind and connecting with the soul. 

To feel meaning shows that our actions have purpose. Character is wealth. 

Asking why to your wants deeply can reveal your true purpose and meaning of your actions. External goals cannot fill internal voids. 

Be intentional with your life, live life more consciously. Nobody is going to create our lives for us, you need to be more intentional and proactive. “I wish” is a code for “I don’t want to do anything differently.” Therefore, do the work behind the want intentionally and consistently in efforts to make an impact (relationships, etc.). If you are clear with what you are doing, you are more resilient. Can look for role models. No intentions are completely pure. Generous intentions radiate from people. 

Meditation: Breathe 

Meditation may get you where you want to be, it may show you what you don’t want to see. That’s why it is hard. 

Steps: Find comfortable position (any), close eyes, look down, be comfortable, roll your shoulders, use 4-4-4 breathing.

It is not about how long you can meditate, it is how deep you can go. 

5 Purpose 

No one organ was more important than another. Every task in life has its own meaning, even doing chores or doing what you do not like, take the time and understand why are you feeling like that, so that we can have flexibility to access every corner of study and growth. 

Living in dharma- passions and skills (your thrive mode) used to selfless contribute to the world’s needs. 

You can’t be anything you want, but you can be everything you are. Life is a journey, pay attention, cultivate self-awareness, feed your strengths and you will find your way. “Your time is limited, so don’t waste living someone else’s life.” – Steve Jobs. 

Do not just focus solely in building your strengths, but also need to never stop improving on emotional qualities (empathy, compassion, kindness and generosity). Do not simply give up on something without even trying with intention and effort. Mastery requires a lot of deliberate practice, if you love it, you will do it. 

Four Quadrants of Potential:

Q1: Good at but don’t love.
Look for opportunities to do what you love in the life you already have in your workplace, bring the energy of your dharma to work. 
Look from another perspective to love what you are good at, reengineer our task or change how we perceive at what we are doing. 
Learn to find meaning. 

Q4: Not Good At, but Love.
Find time to get good at it, everyone has time. 

Q3: Not Good At, Don’t Love.
Get the fuck out of there, or outsource them. Have respect for people of different jobs. 

Q2: Vedic Personality
Good and love what you do. Then be a Varna.

Four Varna Personalities: 
Creators, Makers, Guides, Leaders. 

Invest in your strengths and surround yourself with people who can fill in your shortcomings. 
Check your varna’s by doing various events, and ask yourself (did you enjoy the process? did other people enjoy the result?)

Our heads often blocks our passion by giving stupid excuses. Follow your bliss. 

Dharma is alive, flow, comfort, consistency, positivity and growth. When you safeguard your dharma, you constantly strive to be in a place that you thrive. When you thrive, people notice, and you reap the rewards that help you stay in your dharma. Stretch your dharma to build competence and character. 

6 Routine 

Starting the day simple cleans up the mess from yesterday. Do not scroll phone first thing, too much info, overload the just started brain. Cut down on trivial decisions. 

Giving yourself enough sleep (earlier sleep) is a form of self-respect and self-love. 

Have morning routine (refer to 5AM Club). Before bed, can visualise yourself for tomorrow. 

Having a routine creates a structure for us to easily follow, and thus in that frame of time, we can be more creative. Be mindful and aware of your routine, find something new in the same old routine. 

Being present is the only way to live a truly rich and full life. Do not let yourself be overwhelmed by daydreaming and distractions and being selectively present. 

Have environmental awareness. 

Designate specific locations for one specific reason only. 

Choose the sounds around you. 

Location has energy; time has memory; doing something at the same time or the same place everyday becomes easier and more natural.  

Do not multitask. Practice immersive single-tasking. 

Change happens in small steps with big priorities. 

7 The Mind 

“Your mind is not reacting to events in the world, it’s predicting… constantly guessing what’s going to happen next.” Lisa Feldman Barrett. 

True growth requires understanding of the mind. Our choices are fed by what we read and hear, who we spend time with, what we do with our time, where we focus our energy and attention. 

When we procrastinate, our should and want selfs are in conflict. 

Communicate with your mind, do not let the automatic responses take control, be aware that the intellect must always be in control, or else it will lead to needing and wanting temporary pleasures and instant gratification. 

The monkey mind is reactive, the monk mind is proactive. Have self-control, minimise the mind’s reactive tendencies (get rid of the distractions before it distracts you), do not set yourself up to fail, when facing internal battle, monkey mind is bad. 

Wake up the subconscious, actively reprogram ourselves, do not miss out when in default mode. Best way to overwrite the voices in your head is to start talking to them. Literally. (Can help boost memory and helps you focus). Reframe (Rephrase) your self-criticism in terms of knowledge, focus on the good that is happening instead of the bad. Learn one new thing everyday. Put your frustrations into a continuum (rate 1-10), gain clearer view of them. Writing our deepest thoughts and feelings out also helps in giving us the perspectives of our well-being.

Treat yourself with the same love and respect you want to show to others. 

Be here now. 

Detaching = gain control of the mind. Be aware of how you spend your time, what your attachments are. 

Train your brains. Have self-control or be controlled by attachments. 

8 Ego 

Remember you are but a man. Have Humility. True humility allows us to understand our weaknesses and want to improve. 

Real ego- the consciousness that makes us aware and awake to reality.

False ego- identity crafted to preserve our sense of being the most important guy in the universe. 

Pride is “the cause of the most damaging fall for the soul”. 

Reflect on the you who emerges when no one is watching. That is the real you. 

Ego makes us liars, feel entitled, judgemental, an obstacle to growth. 

Have scout mindset (objective) rather than soldier mindset (defensive), an attitude to life. 

When we presume knowledge, we are letting ourselves learn lesser. 

If you do not break your ego, life will break it for you. 

Two things to remember are the bad we have done to others and the good others have done to us. Two things to forget are the good we have done for others and the bad others have done for us. 

Keep our ego in check. Detach your ego.

Build confidence, not ego. By being ourselves and also consistently having small wins that can be done today. 

Get feedback from other people, pay close attention to how their non-verbal actions are to you. 

You are not your success and failures. 

Real greatness comes from teaching others and teaching others how to teach others but feel no pride in it because there is more to be done. 

Meditation: Visualise 

In order to create something we have to imagine it. 

Set (Voice guidance) and exploratory (create your own details) visualisations. i.e. body scans, create a sacred space, presence and mental picture. 

9 Gratitude  

The feeling of appreciation when you recognise something valuable to you which has nothing to do with its monetary worth. 

When you are present at gratitude, you cannot be present anywhere else, we cant be positive and negative at the same time. Gratitude is a virtuous cycle and contagious. Begin everyday by giving thanks, to anything and everything. Do not focus on what we are lacking, if you label something as bad, your mind will believe it, instead be conscious and grateful about what we have. 

Take a broader view on life to minimise pain and appreciate what we have. 

Different people receive gratitude in a different manner. 

10 Relationships  

Build a circle of love, by being in a community. 

Too often we love people who don’t love us, but we fail to return the love of others who do. Lack of gratitude is what makes us feel unloved. 
Different people serve different purposes. 

Four types of trust: competence, care, character, consistency. Everyone has different types of trust, not all. Make sure to have all types of people in your circle.
Three different types of people: Season, Reason, Lifetime.

Trust is the central of all relationships. Betrayal is more harmful than honesty. 
Four stages of trust: Neutral, Contractual, Mutual, Pure. 

Be intentional in love life or life in general. Show love through presence and attention. Have energy management not time management. 

Physical attraction, Material, Intellectual- Attractions, not necessarily can be long-term relationships.
Emotional and spiritual- connection, show compatibility. 

Six loving exchanges: 
Gifts: giving with intention, receiving with gratitude. 
Conversation: listening without judgement, speaking with vulnerability
Food (exchange of experiences): preparing without agenda, receiving with presence. 

Love is a verb. 

If you do not know what you want, you will send wrong signals and attract wrong people; if you are not self-aware, you will look for the wrong qualities and choose the wrong people. Until you understand yourself, you would not be ready for love. If you keep attracting the wrong people, you need to pull the core of pain that is holding you in the past and make peace with it. 

Keeping love alive, we will not have space for new experience if we keep living in the past. Find new in the old. Find new ways to spend time together. Serve together. Meditate together. Envision together what you both want from the relationship. 

There is a difference between being grateful for what you have and settling for less than you deserve. In every relationship, you can set the level of joy and the level of pain you expect and accept. Feel every emotion, learn from the situation, believe in your worth, wait before dating again. If you have lost yourself in the relationship, find yourself in the heartbreak. Spot, stop, swap. 

11 Service  

The highest purpose of life is to service. Selflessness heals the self. We seek to leave a place cleaner than we found it. We are like nature, giving.

If we can learn to hate, then we can also learn to love. 

Service connects us, amplifies gratitude, increases compassion, builds self-esteem. Give without expecting returns. 

Extend radius of care.

Serve, there is no best time to serve, just serve with the right heart. 

Service is the direct path to a meaningful life. 

Death meditation: meditate about how you would want to be remembered in your funeral. imagine yourself on the death bed.

Craving for more? Down below:
some updates
Decisions. Decisions.
Willpower is Limited
5 A.M. Club by Robin Sharma (In-Depth Summary)
My Thoughts on Malaysia 2020
some free stuffs


A lot have changed for me in the past few days, I managed to switch course from studying Pure Maths to Pure Mechanical Engineering. How and why did I end up taking this course of action, for a person who loves Maths very much?

Since I was 15, I was inspired by one of my tutors to do Maths, rigorously. This dream had been planted in me since then. Time culminated it from a seed into a bud, as I was finishing high-school I was already doing Maths that is beyond my age, not too beyond but just by a couple of levels. I was really into Maths for a long time. As I stepped into college, the condition did make my love for Maths grow weaker and slowly become influenced by the negativity surrounding me, I did not do much, in terms of personal improvement during that time. After that, I got an offer letter to a public university to study Mathematics. I did not feel good about it, I felt it in my gut. As someone who does Maths often, choosing to trust my guts is a natural response. Everything grew dark at that instant. I was in the darkness created by myself for some months, it was depressing, but I was once again saved by the grace of God, letting me see the light in the darkness created by myself.

You might ask, why did you not feel good? You know it is extremely difficult and very hard to get what you want to study if you are not a bumiputra. You might tell me to be grateful about the offer that was given, even it was not the place I wanted to study in, never in the realm of expectations.

The first semester was a breeze, nothing much, a lot of things had been learned before. The second semester was more or less the same, nothing much. There was nothing that was taught that is the core of doing Maths- the rigorous proving and theories and relating Maths with other fields.

In the middle of the second semester, we were forced to lockdown. And there, I had time to think. I had a lot of time to do a lot of thinking. Or else the previous paragraph would not have come out from me.

I did a lot of recap and reflections. In other words, I started to think, deeply.

Come to think of it, what have I done in the past year which has significant impact to my progress in pursuing my dreams? Nothing much, I did participate in a robot-building contest organised by the engineering faculty, that experience did very much elevate me and open my eyes to see how passionate people pull off wonders. And? What more? Oh, I did run a marathon, one of my bucket list. And? I do not think there is anything else.

What did you learn from your course? Not much. I just knew that the course that I was taking is pale in comparison with others. For instance, I saw my friends in other faculties, they are mostly preoccupied with learning new stuffs in engineering. I even saw my friends completed a few of my classes within one, that means they are learning more than what I was doing. Rumours said that most of the subjects in the course would be overlapped here and there, and yes, I can confirm that too. That meant we were learning way lesser. To be honest, I did not even feel the pressure, not even the slightest when I was doing the course. To top things off, almost everything in the two semesters were self-taught, my lecturers were at best ordinary, mostly misleading. Okay, putting the blame game aside from the people, let me talk about the testing systems. The Maths tests were too easy, a little bit too easy, until I started to doubt whether I am studying Maths or not. I had friends from other universities who did send me some questions to solve sometimes, and almost everytime I needed to google stuffs up. The questions sent to me should be clearly within my field of comprehension or knowledge, but no, it was not. There was a time I did some comparison with another public uni’s Pure Maths course- exactly same degree name but different uni- and realised what I was learning was nothing pure, it was just a game of substituting numbers.

That was when I made the decision. It was not made entirely out of one reason, it was slowly accumulated, like a donkey carrying hay- when you keep adding hay on top of a donkey, it will come to a time when the last thread of hay was put that will cause the donkey to fall. I should have known this earlier as I did surf MITOCW when I was younger. Just think about it, if a free online platform can teach more knowledge and better than attending an actual course, then the course probably is a fluke.

I think a probation period of a year is more than enough to see things through. What more a little more time at this course. I did attend a few classes in the first two weeks whilst waiting for my transfer. To my disappointments and expectations, the syllabus of the classes start to overlap, some even taught very basic stuffs taught to 15-year-olds and there was little to no theory. Haiyaa, 2nd year already still like this.

So, ya. I have switched my course to Pure Engineering. Although I need to start again from Year One, but I think the trade-off would be better. What can I say, this was how I wasted one year. Putting it into a more positive vibe, I think I went for a year of vacation. Looking back, I ran around the uni as often as I could, I ate out a lot with my new friends, bothered about stuffs that did not really matter, spent a shit-ton of time playing games, watching youtube, adopting back these toxic habits that I had thrown away when I was working.

All these are just ways of escaping reality. Time is ticking, it will never stop, but it will tock faster than you could tick. Few more years would be gone within a snap of a finger. If I continue escaping the reality that I need to improve myself and become more independent of the conditions surrounding me, I really should buckle up and ram on the oil pedal to speed things up. Life is a growth process, I like to think of life like this. You might say everyday do this do that, you not tired I also tired. I think doing this and that is just a mental workout, a preparation for what cannot be seen in the future, preparing the brain for something greater. Our capacity is to grow, and be grateful about it.

On top of that, I am also doing more to enhance myself too, to diversify myself. I have written about it here.

I actually do feel really sad that I recently was affected in a negative way into giving up what I love most- Maths. I gave in to the environment, again. (But, at least I persisted for a year) I felt like I was the only person loving and having the passion for Maths in the entire faculty. It is like I have used up my entire willpower capacity to have the patience and the perseverance to deal with the fucking mediocrity and superfluous jargon that were so eminently omnipresent in the course for one whole year. Now, I just do not really know about anything anymore. This is just so depressing, disappointing, disgraceful and sad. I need time to rest and restore.

You might ask, why not just study finish the Maths course and take another course outside at the same time? To be honest, I am not a fan of wasting 22 hours of lecture per week just to learn trivial stuffs and things that I had learned before. Not to talk about the other hours that I was affected by the lectures that could lead to potential zero productivity for a day. I am still a very conditional-based person, if the condition is not what I expected- like way below expectations- or just bad, I would turn off and find solace in games and Youtube. I am still learning to be more independent of the situation but it takes time. Since the Maths course is affecting me in a negative manner, then I could not have focused on other courses either because of that. I am just like that, but I am learning to change.

Which is why I am switching courses. At least the hours spent on the lectures, I get to learn something new. Although I had to waste one year doing so, I would rather waste one year learning something new and applicable rather than four years doing outdated stuffs that would add little to no value to me. Realising it late is indeed painful and time-consuming but I take it as an expensive lesson that cost a year to learn how to always self-reflect from time to time with clarity. Although it deviates from the research path that I was and am fond of, but at least I am learning something new, keeping my brain alive.

But I believe God will make a way even when there is no way.

One curious thing that happened consistently after I entered university, I listened to a lot of worship songs. I can say that I cannot go with my day without listening to at least one, I do not know the reason behind it but I felt like I want to rather drown in the presence of the Lord rather than in the present.

Craving for more? Down below:
some updates
Decisions. Decisions.
Willpower is Limited
5 A.M. Club by Robin Sharma (In-Depth Summary)
My Thoughts on Malaysia 2020
some free stuffs
sometimes it is better to do nothing

some updates

Hey everyone, welcome back to Write with Ink and also to my Youtube Channel. This is the first time that I make this kind of update videos. I think this is about time I make this video as I am making some changes to my life. 

Before that, I just want to thank all of those have supported me via Instagram and also this Youtube channel. We have hit two milestones last week, one is this Youtube channel has hit 100 subscribers, two is my calligraphy Instagram has hit 1000 followers, I am really grateful for all that is happening in these two platforms, it is really awesome having to do my passions and be able to share with you guys. Really thank you. 

I know I just did a similar video to this in the past few ones, but this is slightly different, in this video I want to lay out my plans, the general direction of where are all these platforms are heading. 

Okay, what are the changes happening to my life? Nothing major to you but it is for me. If you have been following me for some time, you might know that I am not really happy with what I am studying right now, and some part of me despised the fact that this mediocrity is happening to me which is really bad for my mental and heart. So, unconsciously and consciously, I had made some efforts to make myself more fulfilled by actually learning some new things and not wasting anymore of my precious time. 

Effort #1 Learning a new language, namely Japanese. I want to learn Japanese for a long time already, and now since I have a lot of free time, why not? My goal is to score an N1 JLPT cert in two years time. By this I am able to work or intern in Japan. I will make a more detailed video in the future, but for now I will be seating for the N5 exam this coming December. So, wish me luck with this. 

Effort #2 Doing creative stuffs, my Youtube and Instagram. As you can see, I have been quite consistent with my Youtube and Instagram uploads. I am going to make the effort in which I will post one video weekly on Youtube which is not related to calligraphy and try to make 6 Write with Ink episodes monthly. 

But wait, where is my beloved Maths? To be honest, the experience that I had with my uni for the past year really landed a big negative blow on me recently, it did put me into a really sad state, it made me disheartened and lose passion for Maths. This is sad but true. A simple life lesson from me, do not ever let the environment influence you even though it always does, which is why there is this video and changes to my life. 

You might ask, why didn’t you put effort in changing the uni and the people? Bruh, public unis in Malaysia have a shit ton of bureaucracies and the people are unwilling to embrace or create change, so even if you want to change something, it will take literally ages, which is never. So, ya, no point in doing so, not worth the effort. However, do not worry, I did receive prayers from my cell and also did talk to some of my friends from the course, and now I have a clearer head, which leads me to 

Effort #3 Picking up online courses. Since my uni’s Maths course does not really teach what is required, so I need to take up the responsibility to teach myself what is lacking and what is really required if I want to get into the top unis overseas. I will probably use MITOCW or some other paid platforms, and probably also get some notes from my friends at engineering and study some of their stuffs which is more challenging and useful. If you have any other suggestions as to where I can learn more research base Maths or things that are required fr the future industry online, please leave a comment down below, I would really, really appreciate it. 

Ok, we are done with the efforts, now to the general direction of all these. For all that I do, I just want to have personal growth and fulfilment, our brains are created for expansion not stagnancy or doing nothing. 

For my Youtube, it is another platform for me to share and empower other people and also adds value to my viewers. 

For my calligraphy, I intend to venture into this blue ocean which is barely touched in Malaysia. In other words, I want to create a brand around my calligraphy, making it into something special, a font that brings life. Making something of barely any value into something valuable is a tough one, so if you have any books or anyone I can turn to, comment down below too, I really need it. 

These are my plans for the next few months. In the near future, you will see some merch like socks, calendar, mugs, clothes and et cetera. Expanding to other platforms. Better quality videos. Some collabs. Some huge projects. Livestream, maybe? All I want to say is more exciting stuffs will come. 

Once again, thank you so much for the support from Instagram and Youtube. If you haven’t subscribe, subscribe lah. Smash like and share this video. And follow me on Instagram @mo4ji4. Thanks for watching. Stay tuned for more.

Stay safe. Peace. 

Craving for more? Down below:
Decisions. Decisions.
Willpower is Limited
5 A.M. Club by Robin Sharma (In-Depth Summary)
My Thoughts on Malaysia 2020
some free stuffs
sometimes it is better to do nothing
am i loyal, brave and true?